As the summer rolled along, I felt like I was too. I had some great sets, wrote a ton of new jokes, was pretty solid at home and work, and started seeing a therapist even! (which I've been talking about for years). Things felt smooth. But a couple of weeks ago, the wheels fell off a bit....
I had been putting a lot of pressure on myself to set an example in the Red Deer comedy scene. Striving for that has led to some positive things, and for sure pushed me to be better, but it's also been stressful. The well of solid new material dried up a bit, and I got really frustrated by a couple of rough shows. My confidence really took a hit. Add to that the news that my comedy hetero-life-partner, Zachary Landry, is stepping out of the scene for awhile to focus on other things, and I got really wound up about having to do even more in his absence.
My therapy also ended. I was only referred for six sessions. It felt really good to engage with someone to push through the stuff I was juggling. It took us awhile to really dig in, but I realized what I really needed, and really the theme of this past couple of years, was to process how to balance my love and responsibilities for my family with my passion for comedy. I didn't walk out with a true solution, because I don't think there is an easy fix. What I did come to terms with, is that to feel like things are balanced, I have to accept that I'll always be worried that they aren't. If I stop worrying about it, that's when I'm in the most trouble. Overall though, the counselor was very positive about me chasing comedy. He considered how much joy it can bring to others, and to myself, and insisted that it's important.
The weird thing about having your therapy go surprisingly well, is that you're looking for something to blame for everything. Coming out the other side getting the "green light", means that I guess this is how HEALTHY people feel all the time? I still have stuff that causes me anxiety. Money, comedy, getting in my own way when it comes to happiness and relationships. That stuff lingers. But, I think it lingers for almost everybody. Based on my sessions, it seems like I'm managing these things well enough. It doesn't always feel that way though.
There's a big situation looming that's causing me to re-frame all of this though. In mid-November, my operation for my torn labrum is finally happening. Six weeks in a sling is going to throw a wrench in the routine. But I think it's a wrench I really need. I may not get on stage that entire six weeks. I won't be working. One hand video games don't work either. So that's going to mean lots of time with the family. Also a ton of Netfilx, and books. I miss books! Recovery will be tough, but I'm really excited about the chance to hit "pause" on everything. Letting all things that I make matter too much fade out and just reconnecting with my family, my friends and especially myself.
My last show in Penhold for the year is this Saturday, then I have maybe three shows left to close out October and other than the local Thursday mic, I'm probably out of the grind for the rest of the year. In three weeks I'll be on the road to Jasper with my wife, celebrating our tenth anniversary in style. I'm way more excited about that, and my time off than any shows at the moment.
I know comedy will always be a big part of my life, but the biggest takeaway from 2019 is that it isn't my life. I was so desperate for success that anything less felt invalidating. I might finally be past that, and I'm confident that by the time my sling comes off, I fully will be. What I do, and how others feel about what I do isn't who I am. 2020 will be about making who I am better, healthier and more grounded than ever.
Stop pushing so hard! Take a look around sometimes! BREATHE!
(make sure I'm doing this if you see me, and try it for yourself if you can)
Thanks everyone,
B
Now that you "caught this" ...you got this.
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