My wife and I met up on her lunch break at the park today. While I was pushing Mr. C on the swing, Wifey and I chatted each other up about how things are going. It seems like we should be having those conversations on a regular basis. but our schedules are pretty far apart. Our time together is usually only at the end of a long day, where one of us falls asleep watching a show while we discuss all the immediate issues of the next couple of days. Often that's as good as it gets, so it was nice to just chat while both of us were awake.
Before long the subject drifted towards the older two children. Over the last couple of weeks, both of them have been having problems with bullying and just generally with other kids. Bear tearfully asked me in the van last Friday if I knew why the other kids don't like him. That's a heartbreaking thing to hear from such an amazing little dude. But he is a pretty unique individual, and his sense of humour doesn't always click with other people. Wifey added that Bug has been starting to have body issues, and is embarrassed about how she looks. She has started to grow a cute little Buddha belly, and she's not happy about it.
We're not used to dealing with this kind of thing yet, but now that they are twelve and nine, I guess we should feel lucky that these problems didn't flare up sooner. It's funny how some things never change, because Wifey and I went through the exact same things at that age. Kids haven't gotten any nicer over the years. Not that I'm surprised I guess. Those years between eleven and sixteen have always been brutal. The perfect storm of insecurities and creative ways to be cruel about them. It's so hard to explain to my kids that one day, none of this stuff will matter. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to pretend that those incidents don't affect a person. I know they changed me. Not all the ways that they did were bad though. I learned respect and compassion through getting very little of it. I hope my kids can come out the other end of these challenges in a good place.
More importantly though, I just hope my children don't let themselves believe the negative things they'll experience. Those things can come from other people, or from their own head. Confidence can be hard for anyone to maintain, especially at that age. I don't want them to stress out about not being perfect. I want them to feel good about who they are, and not focus on what they aren't. Awkwardness, or a couple of extra pounds, shouldn't hold them back from being the amazing people that they are, and will be.
I just hope they can believe that.
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Looking back now...I would entertain that, as long as there is balance, things will be just fine in the end. As long as the children have a safe, caring, nurturing, and positive and self confidence building home environment...they stand a far better chance of developing the attitudes and skills to make it through their formative years relatively unscathed.
ReplyDeleteThat is not to say there will not be tears, doubts, and fears along the way.
Balance their insecurities by showing them all the amazing things about themselves... each and every day. No tougher job as a parent...no more rewarding experience as a human being. You will learn much over the next few years... not just about the kinds of children you are raising... but about yourselves. I encourage you to make the time to fully embrace the experience...too soon it is gone.
Great words from a man who's finished this ride already. Thanks Ritch.
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