Updates, Reality Checks and Juggling ALL THE THINGS

Hello again! It's been a long time. The main reason I've been away from blogging about what I'm up to, is that I've been up to a lot. I was about to say, "this last six months", but what I should really say is, "This last year", I've been knee-deep in various types of comedy and family times, with a dab of beer production and social media marketing tossed in there. Earning a living is also still necessary, so drop a full time job in there too. With all that's been happening, I've kind of put my head down and just pushed through it. It's been a constant stream of "next thing...next thing...etc.", but now I want to take a breath, stick my head way up and look at how far I've come and maybe get a clue on where the hell I'm going...

Let's start with Bull Skit!

Last season was massive, as our Veal Skit crew stepped up to become an equal part of the company with the other cast. We alternated main stage shows and put in more time than ever before. It was a great challenge, and Veal became stronger through the trials. Keeping morale and chemistry high wasn't always easy, and through various situations we lost a couple members off the team. Because we feel like family doing what we do together, it was hard going through those changes. Overall I'm so proud of how we stepped up and delivered all season though. 

This season, (Our 10th!) has seen more big change, as Veal and Bull Skits have been shuffled together with some new faces into a Full Time Cast, and a more casual Part Time Cast. I'm on the casual team, which in theory should open up more time for family and stand up, but I've still been running pretty hard. We survived a fun but intense third run of Sketch Fest, and then we jumped right into the season. We're presenting shows we've never attempted before and I'm starting to feel that tingle of fear again. That tension that comes from trying things you aren't certain you can pull off. I missed that feeling. 

Stand up!

My last blog talked about my big contest win in June, and I'm happy to report that I've carried over some momentum from that through the summer and beyond. When I did that contest, I'd probably only performed twenty or so sets over the last year-and-a-half. I've dropped at least that many since June. I'm excited about getting better, and hopefully will increase my presence in the scene over time. I've learned it's a tough grind to even moderate success in that business, but I'm inspired by some of the talented folks I get to work with, and I'm always learning something every night. 

Speaking of learning and new challenges, I'm just a few days away from promoting my first show! At the Penholder Tavern in my hometown of Penhold, Alberta, I'll be booking what hopefully will become a monthly show. While it's a bit challenging to add another activity to my schedule, I couldn't pass up the chance to see how the other side of the business works. Performing in various rooms over the last two years I've figured out my tastes for a great show, and I want to create a show that I'd love to watch. Getting to hand-pick the people I want to work with has been great. I hope it leads to bigger things, either as a comedian or a promoter. 

The Fam
The aspect of my life that gets neglected a bit as I chase this stuff is my family. It's a problem, and I'm nowhere near having it figured out yet. The kids are a bit older, so getting out of the house two or three nights a week is easier than it would have been a few years ago. I really try to pick my spots, but I have a hard time saying "no" to people. I try not to over-commit to Bull Skit, but I always have fun when I'm there, and I get twitchy when they are doing awesome things without me. I also want to get lots of stage time for stand up, both for getting better and to keep my visibility high. It also doesn't help when I get in my head about the other stuff when I actually AM home sometimes. 

I know that if I work too hard and drift further away from my home life, I may never be able to repair those relationships. Wifey and the kids support my passions, but I know it affects them when I leave, and I struggle with that balance constantly. My wife loves me, and loves having me around, and I don't honour that enough. I see my kids look down sadly when I'm putting on my shoes and saying "daddy's got a show". It guts me every time, but I can't bear the thought of letting it all go and just staying home. Before I had these new things in my life, I was unfulfilled and on edge most of the time. I knew something was missing.

I'm not an amazing comedian by any means, but I am decent at this stuff, and getting better all the time. I might be rationalizing here, but I want to show my children that they can find a "thing" that they love and go chase it. The "you can be anything you want" speech rings hollow if the speaker didn't at least take a shot at something themselves. I don't want to regret not trying. I also don't want to regret hurting my loved ones...

I especially feel a lot of guilt for Wifey. Eight years ago, she didn't know she'd be marrying a comedian, because I had no idea either. She didn't sign up for any of this. I'm not the same person she met thirteen years ago, but I suppose not many of us are. I've been learning that marriage isn't falling in love and assuming everything will just work out. It's falling in love with many different versions of the same person. She's grown and changed too. She's amazing at her job, and the best parenting partner I could ever want. She also still loves me, which is both surprising and awesome. I have a hard time expressing to her how hard it is to leave her at home when I'm out performing. I miss her, and I want her there with me to share those moments. I'm frustrated because that part of my life feels so separate from her, but we talked a few months back about her showing support to me by making sure that things at home are being handled in my absence. I semi-joke all the time that at least one of us needs to be a responsible parent, and it's rarely me. So that's been the arrangement. It's...working, but not well. 

There are days I want to do more and work harder, and there are days I want to slow way down and just be present and content. Most days have some of both. The juggling act is brutal. If one area is really ticking along, I know that another is suffering for it. 

I'm crazy fortunate to have these be my biggest issues. My wife and children love me. I love them, but I also love these things over here. Those aren't big problems, but they are mine. And I'm realizing I wouldn't trade them for anyone else's. Dumping all these thoughts into the keyboard helped me see that. 

Thanks for reading my self-digital-therapy session,
B

Kid problems.

My wife and I met up on her lunch break at the park today. While I was pushing Mr. C on the swing, Wifey and I chatted each other up about how things are going. It seems like we should be having those conversations on a regular basis. but our schedules are pretty far apart. Our time together is usually only at the end of a long day, where one of us falls asleep watching a show while we discuss all the immediate issues of the next couple of days. Often that's as good as it gets, so it was nice to just chat while both of us were awake.

Before long the subject drifted towards the older two children. Over the last couple of weeks, both of them have been having problems with bullying and just generally with other kids. Bear tearfully asked me in the van last Friday if I knew why the other kids don't like him. That's a heartbreaking thing to hear from such an amazing little dude. But he is a pretty unique individual, and his sense of humour doesn't always click with other people. Wifey added that Bug has been starting to have body issues, and is embarrassed about how she looks. She has started to grow a cute little Buddha belly, and she's not happy about it.

We're not used to dealing with this kind of thing yet, but now that they are twelve and nine, I guess we should feel lucky that these problems didn't flare up sooner. It's funny how some things never change, because Wifey and I went through the exact same things at that age. Kids haven't gotten any nicer over the years. Not that I'm surprised I guess. Those years between eleven and sixteen have always been brutal. The perfect storm of insecurities and creative ways to be cruel about them. It's so hard to explain to my kids that one day, none of this stuff will matter. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to pretend that those incidents don't affect a person. I know they changed me. Not all the ways that they did were bad though. I learned respect and compassion through getting very little of it. I hope my kids can come out the other end of these challenges in a good place.

More importantly though, I just hope my children don't let themselves believe the negative things they'll experience. Those things can come from other people, or from their own head. Confidence can be hard for anyone to maintain, especially at that age. I don't want them to stress out about not being perfect. I want them to feel good about who they are, and not focus on what they aren't. Awkwardness, or a couple of extra pounds, shouldn't hold them back from being the amazing people that they are, and will be.

I just hope they can believe that.

B