It's time to drop some confessions here.
For most of this year, hell, most of my LIFE, I've been letting anxiety, fear and worry paralyze me. Those thoughts and feelings have just always been there, lurking over my shoulder. Inhibiting my creativity. My relationships. My motivation. My ability to enjoy any moment. My self worth and trust in my abilities.
I'm really tired of this happening. There's so much I want to do, and say, and be. But I shut myself down before I even start. The gap between what I want to produce and achieve, and my perception of what I can actually do is sometimes pretty large. And that gives me an easy excuse to not really try.
It impacts so many parts of my life. My writing is a big one. I'll second-guess myself before I even put a word on a page and nothing gets done. It affects my family, when I get deep into my head about all the things I'm failing at, or the bills, or next week's schedule, I'm robbing them of our time together. I'm never fully present. It also really limits me as an improvisor, because being completely committed and present on stage is so important. And if you're stressed out about failing, you're going to fulfill that prophecy.
So what changed?
I met Jorin Garguilo.
Jorin is an improvisor with over 20 years of experience. He performs and teaches out of Chicago, the Mecca of improv. He's a very smart, positive and enthusiastic teacher. Over the past weekend, he worked with Bullskit for over 16 hours, culminating in a show where we got to share our stage with him.
Coming out of the previous Bullskit season, I was struggling with my improv. I wasn't enjoying myself that much. I was worried about not pulling my weight on the team, and it even got to a point where I questioned if I belonged with them sometimes. I over-analyzed everything I was doing.
When Jorin started speaking to us though, it was like he knew exactly what I needed to hear. I can't even count how many brilliant things I soaked in over the weekend, but one particular line resonated the most.
"Have a party onstage that the audience desperately wants to be invited to "
Now, what that line meant for me was "if you're not having a blast up there, you're doing it wrong." I was too stuck in my head to enjoy what we do up there.
Kind of a revelation...
Later in the workshop, he asked each cast member what we look for and enjoy most in our scenes. I told the group that I usually worry too much about technique and "doing it right", and that I most enjoy scenes that have no judgement. Scenes where we are having a ridiculously fun time. Scenes that, even if they aren't solid on a technical level, everyone in the room is laughing at and causing a lot of joy to happen. I think that, if I focus on doing that every time I go on stage, the technical stuff will work it's way in there eventually. But fun comes first for me now. It has to.
When we got to play with Jorin that night, it was exactly what I was hoping for. I was outright gleeful the whole time up there. I couldn't stop smiling at what we were creating, and by the end of the set, I was just laughing uncontrollably. It was joyful and free of judgement and anxiety. Through dropping my perfectionism, I had a perfect moment.
The weekend was kind of a whirlwind, but now that I have time to reflect, I realize that once again, an improv lesson is actually a life lesson. Less thinking. More feeling. Less brain. More heart. Less judgement. More enthusiasm. Less fear. More passion.
The fact that I'm writing this right now means it working. So far anyway...
Recklessly yours,
B
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