The Magic of Trying

I'm incredibly inspired right now. I just got off the stage I shared with my improv troupe, Bull Skit. But I wasn't back to do improv. Not the way I used to anyway. 

This time I was there to do a set of stand up, alongside Zachary Landry, and then we let the crowd pick our topics. Fully improvised stand up comedy. Even my fellow improvisers, people who make up amazing things every week, were terrified for us. I'm not going to pretend that either of us delivered pure gold, but that wasn't really the goal. It was more, "Can we even pull this off at all?"

And yes. We did that!

How it was going to go was secondary to doing it at all. 

Tonight was just one of many nights that drove the same lesson home. I dug into the backlog of this blog and found this:

Reckless Enthusiasm > Judgement 

Two years ago, that was me trying to push past my own fears and need for perfection. The last few weeks have been me on the other side of that and moving further away from those issues every day. 

I had the chance to teach an intro to stand up workshop, because while I'm no pro, I can definitely pass on what I've learned on my journey so far. The one lesson that I tried to pass on that hit me hardest was:

"Don't overestimate the stakes of any situation. No matter how great or terrible you think a set went, when you wake up tomorrow, you'll be the only person who was in that room who's still thinking about it. Even if it was extra memorable in either direction, That statement still runs true the day or week after. People are too self-involved to reflect on what you did that one night."

I'm a struggling, unknown, amateur comedian. People still notice me more for my day job then anything comedy related. And there's SO. MUCH. FREEDOM IN THAT! I don't have to play it safe. I don't have a career to ruin. If I stink up an open mic, there's another one coming the week after. I can screw up. Get weird. Take risks. Say yes to every challenge. 

And no matter how any of that goes, everything is going to be fine. Better than fine, because I'm not worried about the result. I don't have to be. I just have to do the thing, and learn from the thing. That's it! 

-Six months ago, I looked at roast battles and said to myself, "I'm not that kind of comedian". That was fear of failure talking. Now I've done three that went passably well, and I'm gearing up for my next one. And at one of those battles, a veteran comic gave me some kind words and told me "when you've got thirty minutes ready, let me know and you can head on the road with me." At the time, that felt like a really high hurdle to jump. A month ago, I did my first twenty minute set, and my first thirty is four weeks away. I just decided to try. 

-A year ago, running my own show seemed like a dream. Six shows later, I'm a comedy promoter.

-Even then, I was baby-stepping my way into it, then Simon King called looking to partner up on some dates in the area for early December. The rub was I had to cold-call a handful of venues to try to book the shows. That was scary, but yesterday I booked a show that could make me hundreds of dollars. 

-There are guys in my scene that two years ago were way ahead of me. Then I shifted focus and committed to getting at it. I just hit one hundred sets this month. Three months ago I was barely over seventy. A year prior less than half of that. Now, I feel I'm passing those guys. Not because I'm funnier than them. I'm just doing more. Pushing myself. Just plain trying. 

Which leads me to tonight, where I decided to face forty people, and have them shout things like "Addiction treatment!" "Jello Shots!" and "Russian Hackers!" at me, and had to try to deliver comedy on the spot about them. Was it scary? Kind of, yeah. Did I kill? Not hardly. But did I prove to myself that it's something I can do? Yep. 

Most of the things above didn't execute to perfection. None of them really. But if I hadn't tried them, I'd be back where I already was. And failing any of those things wouldn't have put me back any further than that. I lost nothing by trying. NOTHING! I didn't let doubt or anxiety slow me down. I didn't let others talk me out of them. 

By traditional standards, I'm nowhere near "success". I'm not making money at this. No one knows me yet. My material and stage presence have a long way to go. But I'm pushing and challenging myself, and taking something away from every swing and miss. That feels like a win. Or at least puts me a position to win when the time comes. 

Keep trying everybody,

B

Big Things and Baby Steps

So, things are good. Mostly. If anyone wants to dump a truck full of money on my lawn, that would be awesome, but otherwise, I'm feeling good about things. 

On the family front, I've really focused on being more engaged and present. That has meant saying no to things sometimes. I took a month off from Bull Skit (my improv troupe), and tried to be calculating about which stand up shows would be most beneficial to my progress, and skipping the rest. It's been great to be home more. Wifey has had a big increase in work stress, so I've been trying to lighten the load at home more. Cooking, entertaining the kids and just listening more. Having that solid foundation at home has helped me stay grounded for all the other stuff. Speaking of other stuff...

Like I said, Bull Skit took a back seat recently, and I now realize that the break was important. I love what we do there, and who I get to do it with, but it can be a lot to take on. Focus and enthusiasm are vital in producing the best shows that we can, and I noticed I was struggling to maintain that at certain points this season. They weren't always getting the best, most engaged version of me. And trust me, I'm not talented enough to coast through improv! Going the other way, the worst thing you can be for an improv team is the disgruntled, disruptive one. I felt a bit of that creeping in, and I'd never want to be a toxic influence to team chemistry. Luckily, this was the part of the season I had already selected to step away during. After having 4 rehearsals off, and now not being required at the theatre for this month's shows, I feel energized and excited to get back in the groove. Even better, we are wrapping up the season with our first ever improv festival, and I get to direct a format on closing night! I am so pumped about this, and because of a little self-care, I am ready to bring my best stuff to it.

As far as stand up goes, things have also been clicking along. I really feel a shift coming for whatever my "career" is. I've established myself somewhat as a reliable opener and functional MC for Red Deer shows. I'm still learning a lot doing local "booked mic" spots, but I'm hungry for more. I'm making more of an effort to perform in situations that could raise my profile. Contests and big-city rooms for example. To really take the next step, I need to play bigger rooms and have the chance to do longer sets. Obviously talent is kind of important for success, but just as big of a factor is your exposure and ability to network. It doesn't matter how good you are if no one knows how good you are...

Last weekend I had a really big contest in Calgary. FunnyFest is a pretty big deal, so I wanted to see where I was at compared to others in the scene. After what may have been the best set of my life, I finished 3rd. The top 2 advance to the finals, but I know what to adjust in my routine to finish even stronger next time, and I'm an alternate for the finals as well. Next up is Edmonton in a few weeks, and I think I'm going to have a good showing. 

I've also started producing my very own show in the town I grew up, Penhold, Alberta. Putting my own show together has been such a cool challenge. I get to pick the people I most want to work with, the venue is very helpful and supportive to what we're doing, and so far, the crowd has been fantastic. Both shows have been standing room only, with the last show drawing over 120 people! The next show is 7 days away, and I'm hoping that things stay strong. I keep tweaking things and trying to make the show even better. This fall I'm hoping to move to a ticketed show, instead of the donation system we're going with so far. I've had peers and friends step up huge for helping supply gear and such, but I'd like to have this show be profitable enough for me to buy all my own gear soon. 

So...yeah! Things are cool right now. My home and comedic lives are balanced right now. I'm ready to finish strong on Season 10 with Bull Skit, and I'm on the bubble of bigger things in stand up. All of this wouldn't be possible if my family, my friends and my comedy peers supporting me for the ride. Thank you all so much, and stay tuned for whatever happens next ! 

Peace!

B

Reckless enthusiasm > Judgement

Ok.

It's time to drop some confessions here. 

For most of this year, hell, most of my LIFE, I've been letting anxiety, fear and worry paralyze me. Those thoughts and feelings have just always been there, lurking over my shoulder. Inhibiting my creativity. My relationships. My motivation. My ability to enjoy any moment. My self worth and trust in my abilities. 

I'm really tired of this happening. There's so much I want to do, and say, and be. But I shut myself down before I even start. The gap between what I want to produce and achieve, and my perception of what I can actually do is sometimes pretty large. And that gives me an easy excuse to not really try. 

It impacts so many parts of my life. My writing is a big one. I'll second-guess myself before I even put a word on a page and nothing gets done. It affects my family, when I get deep into my head about all the things I'm failing at, or the bills, or next week's schedule, I'm robbing them of our time together. I'm never fully present. It also really limits me as an improvisor, because being completely committed and present on stage is so important. And if you're stressed out about failing, you're going to fulfill that prophecy. 

So what changed?

I met Jorin Garguilo.

Jorin is an improvisor with over 20 years of experience. He performs and teaches out of Chicago, the Mecca of improv. He's a very smart, positive and enthusiastic teacher. Over the past weekend, he worked with Bullskit for over 16 hours, culminating in a show where we got to share our stage with him. 

Coming out of the previous Bullskit season, I was struggling with my improv. I wasn't enjoying myself that much. I was worried about not pulling my weight on the team, and it even got to a point where I questioned if I belonged with them sometimes. I over-analyzed everything I was doing. 

When Jorin started speaking to us though, it was like he knew exactly what I needed to hear. I can't even count how many brilliant things I soaked in over the weekend, but one particular line resonated the most.

"Have a party onstage that the audience desperately wants to be invited to "

Now, what that line meant for me was "if you're not having a blast up there, you're doing it wrong." I was too stuck in my head to enjoy what we do up there. 

Kind of a revelation...

Later in the workshop, he asked each cast member what we look for and enjoy most in our scenes. I told the group that I usually worry too much about technique and "doing it right", and that I most enjoy scenes that have no judgement. Scenes where we are having a ridiculously fun time. Scenes that, even if they aren't solid on a technical level, everyone in the room is laughing at and causing a lot of joy to happen. I think that, if I focus on doing that every time I go on stage, the technical stuff will work it's way in there eventually. But fun comes first for me now. It has to. 

When we got to play with Jorin that night, it was exactly what I was hoping for. I was outright gleeful the whole time up there. I couldn't stop smiling at what we were creating, and by the end of the set, I was just laughing uncontrollably. It was joyful and free of judgement and anxiety. Through dropping my perfectionism, I had a perfect moment.

The weekend was kind of a whirlwind, but now that I have time to reflect, I realize that once again, an improv lesson is actually a life lesson. Less thinking. More feeling. Less brain. More heart. Less judgement. More enthusiasm. Less fear. More passion. 

The fact that I'm writing this right now means it working. So far anyway...

Recklessly yours, 

B

Improv: Tales from a Sophomore Chump

I sit here basking in glee and rum. I just returned home from my improv troupe's student showcase, where our public workshop students get to show off what they've learned in front of family and friends. My sub-group Veal Skit gets to headline these shows. Some of my friends were in the classes this time, and I got as much joy watching them as I did performing myself. 

Like an improv junkie, I flashed back to that feeling of first getting to do this. The feeling of getting up in front of random people and doing random things. Almost exactly two years ago, I was up there doing my first student show. I felt that first jolt of adrenaline.  That rush I can't stop chasing. 

I've been wanting to write here about improv, but I keep dancing around it. I think I've found the subject a bit daunting. There is so much I want to say about it, that I haven't known where to start. Looking back on what keeps me coming back seems like a good choice, so here goes...

Why I love improv

-THE PEOPLE 

I'm sure that every subculture has some sense of camaraderie, and people of similar interests form bonds, but improv takes that to another level. It's all hugs, high-fives and support. All the time. Any negativity or judgement is so rare. The stressful situations that happen on stage and the vulnerability we display creates deep friendships. It's hard not to love that environment. 

-LOSING FEAR

I don't always show it, but I'm an anxious guy. New things and a change of routine freak me out. Improv has pushed me to look past those issues.  Attempting new things has gone from terrifying to exciting.  This week I joined in my daughter's silks dance class for parent's night.  The old me still would have attended, but would have been too self-consious to have any fun. I would have been looking around the room, afraid to look foolish in front of the teacher and parents. Now I look foolish all the time, and have learned that those times are the most fun.  

-THE MENTAL RE-WIRING

From the very first class, improv showed me a new way of looking at, well, everything. Every exercise, no matter how odd and silly, pushes my boundaries and perspective. Group mind, presence, positivity, acceptance and quick-thinking are the foundations of improv, and I find I apply them to so many situations daily. Everything from handling a difficult work conversation, to how I react to stress or talk to my children has completely changed. It's like mental yoga (although also similar to yoga, I've noticed that people who don't do it don't really want to hear about it). I'm more mentally flexible when life throws me curveballs now, and yes, I really do think I'm funnier (or at least quicker in getting to the bad zinger now). It's not automatic though, and I still struggle with aspects sometimes, especially being present in the moment. I really suck at that one. But I'm getting better all the time. 

-UNBRIDLED CREATIVITY

I haven't seen any other art form or performance that has the pure creative spirit of improv. Maybe jazz I guess, but even those guys need a pile of fancy instruments to make the magic happen. An improv troupe can perform anywhere at anytime with nothing to work with. I've really enjoyed performing sketch comedy as well, but they are such different experiences. Yes, in sketch, the laughs tend to be more consistent and you can expect a certain polish and quality to a sketch routine. In improv though, the laughs can be bigger and the highs much higher, as everyone in the room, on both sides of the stage, can share a moment so spontaneous and singular that it hits you somewhere deeper. Everyone in that moment knows how special and fleeting it was. The sad part of that magic is that you really did "have to be there". Telling the story the next day never has the same effect as telling someone a joke you saw on TV. It's also why improv doesn't normally succeed televised. The energy in the room is a huge part of the experience. It's just the best. 

That's just a sample of why this stuff is so great. Why I can't shut up about it, and why I keep coming back for more. 

Making it up as I go along

B 

Knocking the dust off my blog and myself

Hello faithful reader! Thanks for sticking around! I hope you weren't just sitting in front of your screen this whole time, waiting for your next serving of Wunderbrad.... You did? Oh. Awkward....

No, it's not pathetic. Really. I'm flattered! Thank you. And...sorry. I shouldn't have made you wait three months. Fortunately, I have so many handy excuses for you!

1. Christmas happened. I work in retail, and am a typical Western consumer. That tends to result in a derailment of the ol' routine for December. I also played Santa in a sketch show. And a staff party.

2. Once I let said routine derail, it kinda stayed that way. I'm starting to understand the power of habits, both good and bad. I seem to have more of the latter...

3. On the subject of bad habits, I now own a Playstation 4. If you feel you have too much motivation and find you're just too productive, then you should pick up a PS4. You won't have those problems anymore.


 On a more serious note, I think I got a little bit depressed for a bit there as well. Not sure what caused it, if anything. Could be the cold dreary weather, or the hectic schedule I was running, or the fact that my semi-regular yoga stopped in October. Maybe a little bit of all those things and more, if I wanted to keep looking. The point is, I wasn't feeling right for quite some time. I wasn't a complete mess or anything like that, but everything just seemed a little more difficult than usual, and nothing felt balanced. I let a lot of negative thoughts take up way too much room in my head. I started feeling hesitant and less committed to my improv. I wasn't giving my family the love and support they needed from me, especially Wifey. Any type of writing, be it this blog, comedy sketches, or comic scripts, seemed impossible to focus on.

Things have been getting better recently, mostly thanks to Wifey. We've been together for over a decade now, and she's gotten pretty good at figuring me out. I used to hit these low points a lot more often in our early days, and neither of us handled them very well back then. This time around, she has been amazing. I've been distant, moody and not very useful, while she's been patient, understanding and has kept me moving forward, even if I couldn't go full-speed.

I also came across a great new career opportunity that I HAD to take a shot at. My retail gig has been good to me, but I yearn for a 9 to 5 situation. It would make the family/improv juggling act much easier. So I got a resume together for the first time in 15 years and took a shot at it. I found out yesterday that I didn't get the position, but I'm not upset about it. I'm proud of myself for going for it. The next time something that sweet comes along, I'll be even more prepared for it.

The last thing that snapped me out of my funk was The Kinkonauts. They are a talented improv theatre company in Calgary that Bullskit has worked with on a few occasions. They were hosting a 26 hour improv marathon and I was able to join in the fun for the closing hours of the show. One of my big goals this year was to improvise with more people and stretch my horizons as a performer. This event was a great chance to do that, and I wanted to have the best experience possible. On the trip down with my partner-in-crime Scott, we got ourselves into a headspace where we could do our best. When I hit the stage, I was ready to play. I got to share the stage with folks I admire, and met several more that I can't wait to work with again. It all went even better than I hoped. The show reminded me why and how much I love performing improv, and now I'm chomping at the bit to get back to rehearsal.

Here's supposed to be the part where I boil down all that rambling into something coherent and inspirational right? Well it should be obvious by now that I don't have everything figured out yet. Sorry. Wrong blog. I am hoping that one of you readers finds a needle of wisdom in this massive haystack of a post. All I know is, I'm a better man now than I was ten years ago. I'm doing things that the old me would be terrified to try. I'm surrounded with awesome people at home, at work and on stage. Most of all, I'm starting to trust myself. Whether it's a resume, a blog post, or a parody song, I'm trying not to listen to the critic in my head that wants to convince me that everything I'm about to try is going to be terrible. 

I'll let you guys tell me that instead ;)

 It's OK to fall sometimes. Keep getting up. Knock that dust off.

B

You suck. So do I. And that's OK.

After my first couple of attempts at doing stand-up, I messaged a friend of mine to bounce some thoughts off of him about the process of it all. I was riding pretty high going into our chat. The main reason why is that people are so paralyzed by the thought of getting up in front of a crowd in such a vulnerable way that being able to do it at all felt like a major triumph. And frankly, the crowds were very kind to me, so things were feeling a bit too easy. My friend Erik was quick to caution me to stay focused and humble. He said "most of the folks you'll be sharing the stage with will suck. And you do too. And I do too. You just keep at it and eventually you won't suck." Then he tossed out a quote from a very wise cartoon dog.

He also mentioned that eventually, you're going to bomb. And that bombing is not a bad thing, because it will keep you grounded and show you exactly why you suck, and the parts of your act you need to change so that you'll suck less. 

It turns out he was dead on, because last week, I got my first taste of bombing. I went up first, which it turns out is WAAAAAY harder than a cushy spot towards the end of the show. It's up to the "bullet" spot to get the crowd relaxed and ready to laugh. I did not succeed at that. I mumbled my way through my first bit, and looked out to a small crowd of dead faces. Not even a cracked smile. Right here is where a pro would make a crack about how bad the last joke was, or at least regroup and come at them even harder. I did not succeed at that either. Instead I tightened up and showed fear. This is a cardinal sin for anyone on stage, because the crowd usually starts feeling bad for you, and nobody laughs when they feel like that. I spewed the rest of my set out, in the most rushed and tentative way possible. Then the host mercifully lit me, meaning it was time to wrap it up. Thank you Clint! And Jeebus. Thank you Jeebus!

I was shaking as I sat back down. I felt shame and embarrassment. Two full scoops worth. For the rest of the night, I was stewing over what went wrong. By the next morning though, I was OK with how things went. More than OK actually. Going up there and sucking knocked me off of that smug little cloud I'd been on. It shattered my illusions about how I was actually doing, and reminded me that making strangers laugh on command is F#%$ing HARD. I learned that I need to tighten up my set, figure out what hits and make it even better. I also need to dump what isn't hitting, and write better stuff. And no matter what, I need to be able to fail up there with total relentless confidence no matter how ugly it gets. 

I embraced the suck.

This lesson applies to pretty much everything. If you aren't failing, you aren't trying. Put yourself out there. Blow up your comfortable little bubble and try something you've always wanted to do. Don't worry about how you're going to do, because I'll tell you right now: It's probably going to go terribly. And that's awesome. Dust yourself off and do it again. And again. And again. If you love something, don't let failure discourage you, let it push you. 

I'm going to do another open mic next week. I'm probably going to suck. The week after that, my second season with my improv troupe, Bullksit starts up. I REALLY suck at that too. 

And I can't wait.

Suckfully yours,

B