One-Armed-Wunderbrad

Hey folks! I figured I was way past due on an update on my shoulder situation. For those of you who are new here, a little over a week ago I had an operation for a torn labrum. Trust me spellcheck, it's a real word. 

As I'm typing this with a sling on, I'm going to need you to read this slower to make it more authentic to the creation process. Cool? No. Slower than that. 

Better. 

My new sling is now a very important part of my life. Other than bathing (an activity that I'm not supposed to do solo), and straightening my arm for the required three sets of thirty per day, it's always there. It's been there for 12 days, and it's not going anywhere for the next 35 more. 

So, this has been quite the adjustment...

It isn't really painful, as long as I don't do anything I'm not supposed to do, which is almost everything. More of a general discomfort and annoyance really. The first few days were pretty rough, with the recovery/medication taking a lot out of me. My energy levels were terrible. In some ways that was easier though, as for the last week I've felt closer to normal, but still can't do much. A guy gets twitchy. 

It's not all bad though. My friends and family have been great. Checking up on me and taking me for outings. Which is great because losing the freedom to drive myself anywhere I want to is frustrating. My wife in particular has been amazing in so many ways. She took the first week off to give me whatever I needed, which gave us a ton of time together. We mostly spent that time watching really depressing shows together, which was lovely. 

I also discovered that I can still play video games pain-free, so it won't be hard to fill the hours without her now that she's back to work. The hardest part about that is the guilt about not being able to pitch in around the house. In the morning I wake up the kids, and can slap together sandwiches, but that's about it. I can kind of wash (small) dishes, although I'm probably not even supposed to do that. But I can't help with laundry, sweep the floors or anything like that. It's hard to put all of that on her and not feel like a schmuck. 

I'm also waiting for my disability insurance to kick in. Not having the steady paycheck is stressful. We're staying afloat, but it's hard not to feel like I'm bringing nothing to family right now. Not earning money. Not lightening the workload with all this time at home. It's tough. 

But I'm grasping that this is all an exercise in surrender. I want to heal properly and for all this to work, so that I can get back to being me and doing more. That's going to mean accepting the full recovery process, and staying humble and letting people help me. I get my stitches out tomorrow and consult with the surgeon, so, we're getting there. 

Stay tuned for more, because what else am I going to do?

B

Big Things and Baby Steps

So, things are good. Mostly. If anyone wants to dump a truck full of money on my lawn, that would be awesome, but otherwise, I'm feeling good about things. 

On the family front, I've really focused on being more engaged and present. That has meant saying no to things sometimes. I took a month off from Bull Skit (my improv troupe), and tried to be calculating about which stand up shows would be most beneficial to my progress, and skipping the rest. It's been great to be home more. Wifey has had a big increase in work stress, so I've been trying to lighten the load at home more. Cooking, entertaining the kids and just listening more. Having that solid foundation at home has helped me stay grounded for all the other stuff. Speaking of other stuff...

Like I said, Bull Skit took a back seat recently, and I now realize that the break was important. I love what we do there, and who I get to do it with, but it can be a lot to take on. Focus and enthusiasm are vital in producing the best shows that we can, and I noticed I was struggling to maintain that at certain points this season. They weren't always getting the best, most engaged version of me. And trust me, I'm not talented enough to coast through improv! Going the other way, the worst thing you can be for an improv team is the disgruntled, disruptive one. I felt a bit of that creeping in, and I'd never want to be a toxic influence to team chemistry. Luckily, this was the part of the season I had already selected to step away during. After having 4 rehearsals off, and now not being required at the theatre for this month's shows, I feel energized and excited to get back in the groove. Even better, we are wrapping up the season with our first ever improv festival, and I get to direct a format on closing night! I am so pumped about this, and because of a little self-care, I am ready to bring my best stuff to it.

As far as stand up goes, things have also been clicking along. I really feel a shift coming for whatever my "career" is. I've established myself somewhat as a reliable opener and functional MC for Red Deer shows. I'm still learning a lot doing local "booked mic" spots, but I'm hungry for more. I'm making more of an effort to perform in situations that could raise my profile. Contests and big-city rooms for example. To really take the next step, I need to play bigger rooms and have the chance to do longer sets. Obviously talent is kind of important for success, but just as big of a factor is your exposure and ability to network. It doesn't matter how good you are if no one knows how good you are...

Last weekend I had a really big contest in Calgary. FunnyFest is a pretty big deal, so I wanted to see where I was at compared to others in the scene. After what may have been the best set of my life, I finished 3rd. The top 2 advance to the finals, but I know what to adjust in my routine to finish even stronger next time, and I'm an alternate for the finals as well. Next up is Edmonton in a few weeks, and I think I'm going to have a good showing. 

I've also started producing my very own show in the town I grew up, Penhold, Alberta. Putting my own show together has been such a cool challenge. I get to pick the people I most want to work with, the venue is very helpful and supportive to what we're doing, and so far, the crowd has been fantastic. Both shows have been standing room only, with the last show drawing over 120 people! The next show is 7 days away, and I'm hoping that things stay strong. I keep tweaking things and trying to make the show even better. This fall I'm hoping to move to a ticketed show, instead of the donation system we're going with so far. I've had peers and friends step up huge for helping supply gear and such, but I'd like to have this show be profitable enough for me to buy all my own gear soon. 

So...yeah! Things are cool right now. My home and comedic lives are balanced right now. I'm ready to finish strong on Season 10 with Bull Skit, and I'm on the bubble of bigger things in stand up. All of this wouldn't be possible if my family, my friends and my comedy peers supporting me for the ride. Thank you all so much, and stay tuned for whatever happens next ! 

Peace!

B

Updates, Reality Checks and Juggling ALL THE THINGS

Hello again! It's been a long time. The main reason I've been away from blogging about what I'm up to, is that I've been up to a lot. I was about to say, "this last six months", but what I should really say is, "This last year", I've been knee-deep in various types of comedy and family times, with a dab of beer production and social media marketing tossed in there. Earning a living is also still necessary, so drop a full time job in there too. With all that's been happening, I've kind of put my head down and just pushed through it. It's been a constant stream of "next thing...next thing...etc.", but now I want to take a breath, stick my head way up and look at how far I've come and maybe get a clue on where the hell I'm going...

Let's start with Bull Skit!

Last season was massive, as our Veal Skit crew stepped up to become an equal part of the company with the other cast. We alternated main stage shows and put in more time than ever before. It was a great challenge, and Veal became stronger through the trials. Keeping morale and chemistry high wasn't always easy, and through various situations we lost a couple members off the team. Because we feel like family doing what we do together, it was hard going through those changes. Overall I'm so proud of how we stepped up and delivered all season though. 

This season, (Our 10th!) has seen more big change, as Veal and Bull Skits have been shuffled together with some new faces into a Full Time Cast, and a more casual Part Time Cast. I'm on the casual team, which in theory should open up more time for family and stand up, but I've still been running pretty hard. We survived a fun but intense third run of Sketch Fest, and then we jumped right into the season. We're presenting shows we've never attempted before and I'm starting to feel that tingle of fear again. That tension that comes from trying things you aren't certain you can pull off. I missed that feeling. 

Stand up!

My last blog talked about my big contest win in June, and I'm happy to report that I've carried over some momentum from that through the summer and beyond. When I did that contest, I'd probably only performed twenty or so sets over the last year-and-a-half. I've dropped at least that many since June. I'm excited about getting better, and hopefully will increase my presence in the scene over time. I've learned it's a tough grind to even moderate success in that business, but I'm inspired by some of the talented folks I get to work with, and I'm always learning something every night. 

Speaking of learning and new challenges, I'm just a few days away from promoting my first show! At the Penholder Tavern in my hometown of Penhold, Alberta, I'll be booking what hopefully will become a monthly show. While it's a bit challenging to add another activity to my schedule, I couldn't pass up the chance to see how the other side of the business works. Performing in various rooms over the last two years I've figured out my tastes for a great show, and I want to create a show that I'd love to watch. Getting to hand-pick the people I want to work with has been great. I hope it leads to bigger things, either as a comedian or a promoter. 

The Fam
The aspect of my life that gets neglected a bit as I chase this stuff is my family. It's a problem, and I'm nowhere near having it figured out yet. The kids are a bit older, so getting out of the house two or three nights a week is easier than it would have been a few years ago. I really try to pick my spots, but I have a hard time saying "no" to people. I try not to over-commit to Bull Skit, but I always have fun when I'm there, and I get twitchy when they are doing awesome things without me. I also want to get lots of stage time for stand up, both for getting better and to keep my visibility high. It also doesn't help when I get in my head about the other stuff when I actually AM home sometimes. 

I know that if I work too hard and drift further away from my home life, I may never be able to repair those relationships. Wifey and the kids support my passions, but I know it affects them when I leave, and I struggle with that balance constantly. My wife loves me, and loves having me around, and I don't honour that enough. I see my kids look down sadly when I'm putting on my shoes and saying "daddy's got a show". It guts me every time, but I can't bear the thought of letting it all go and just staying home. Before I had these new things in my life, I was unfulfilled and on edge most of the time. I knew something was missing.

I'm not an amazing comedian by any means, but I am decent at this stuff, and getting better all the time. I might be rationalizing here, but I want to show my children that they can find a "thing" that they love and go chase it. The "you can be anything you want" speech rings hollow if the speaker didn't at least take a shot at something themselves. I don't want to regret not trying. I also don't want to regret hurting my loved ones...

I especially feel a lot of guilt for Wifey. Eight years ago, she didn't know she'd be marrying a comedian, because I had no idea either. She didn't sign up for any of this. I'm not the same person she met thirteen years ago, but I suppose not many of us are. I've been learning that marriage isn't falling in love and assuming everything will just work out. It's falling in love with many different versions of the same person. She's grown and changed too. She's amazing at her job, and the best parenting partner I could ever want. She also still loves me, which is both surprising and awesome. I have a hard time expressing to her how hard it is to leave her at home when I'm out performing. I miss her, and I want her there with me to share those moments. I'm frustrated because that part of my life feels so separate from her, but we talked a few months back about her showing support to me by making sure that things at home are being handled in my absence. I semi-joke all the time that at least one of us needs to be a responsible parent, and it's rarely me. So that's been the arrangement. It's...working, but not well. 

There are days I want to do more and work harder, and there are days I want to slow way down and just be present and content. Most days have some of both. The juggling act is brutal. If one area is really ticking along, I know that another is suffering for it. 

I'm crazy fortunate to have these be my biggest issues. My wife and children love me. I love them, but I also love these things over here. Those aren't big problems, but they are mine. And I'm realizing I wouldn't trade them for anyone else's. Dumping all these thoughts into the keyboard helped me see that. 

Thanks for reading my self-digital-therapy session,
B

Reckless enthusiasm > Judgement

Ok.

It's time to drop some confessions here. 

For most of this year, hell, most of my LIFE, I've been letting anxiety, fear and worry paralyze me. Those thoughts and feelings have just always been there, lurking over my shoulder. Inhibiting my creativity. My relationships. My motivation. My ability to enjoy any moment. My self worth and trust in my abilities. 

I'm really tired of this happening. There's so much I want to do, and say, and be. But I shut myself down before I even start. The gap between what I want to produce and achieve, and my perception of what I can actually do is sometimes pretty large. And that gives me an easy excuse to not really try. 

It impacts so many parts of my life. My writing is a big one. I'll second-guess myself before I even put a word on a page and nothing gets done. It affects my family, when I get deep into my head about all the things I'm failing at, or the bills, or next week's schedule, I'm robbing them of our time together. I'm never fully present. It also really limits me as an improvisor, because being completely committed and present on stage is so important. And if you're stressed out about failing, you're going to fulfill that prophecy. 

So what changed?

I met Jorin Garguilo.

Jorin is an improvisor with over 20 years of experience. He performs and teaches out of Chicago, the Mecca of improv. He's a very smart, positive and enthusiastic teacher. Over the past weekend, he worked with Bullskit for over 16 hours, culminating in a show where we got to share our stage with him. 

Coming out of the previous Bullskit season, I was struggling with my improv. I wasn't enjoying myself that much. I was worried about not pulling my weight on the team, and it even got to a point where I questioned if I belonged with them sometimes. I over-analyzed everything I was doing. 

When Jorin started speaking to us though, it was like he knew exactly what I needed to hear. I can't even count how many brilliant things I soaked in over the weekend, but one particular line resonated the most.

"Have a party onstage that the audience desperately wants to be invited to "

Now, what that line meant for me was "if you're not having a blast up there, you're doing it wrong." I was too stuck in my head to enjoy what we do up there. 

Kind of a revelation...

Later in the workshop, he asked each cast member what we look for and enjoy most in our scenes. I told the group that I usually worry too much about technique and "doing it right", and that I most enjoy scenes that have no judgement. Scenes where we are having a ridiculously fun time. Scenes that, even if they aren't solid on a technical level, everyone in the room is laughing at and causing a lot of joy to happen. I think that, if I focus on doing that every time I go on stage, the technical stuff will work it's way in there eventually. But fun comes first for me now. It has to. 

When we got to play with Jorin that night, it was exactly what I was hoping for. I was outright gleeful the whole time up there. I couldn't stop smiling at what we were creating, and by the end of the set, I was just laughing uncontrollably. It was joyful and free of judgement and anxiety. Through dropping my perfectionism, I had a perfect moment.

The weekend was kind of a whirlwind, but now that I have time to reflect, I realize that once again, an improv lesson is actually a life lesson. Less thinking. More feeling. Less brain. More heart. Less judgement. More enthusiasm. Less fear. More passion. 

The fact that I'm writing this right now means it working. So far anyway...

Recklessly yours, 

B

When "Cats In the Cradle" stops being just a song.

I'm back! Sorry about the delay. Life happens, you know? One of the biggest things on my mind over the last couple of weeks has been my kids. With school now in session, I'm discovering that I actually miss them! We had a great summer together, but I was excited about having a little alone time in the morning before work. And that has been good. But all of the sudden though, there never seems to be enough time. That first hour of the day is pretty go-go, and I don't get home most weeknights until after nine. That ends up being all business too. At best we squeeze in a quick bedtime story and snuggle Mr. C to sleep. It ends up being the best part of my day, because I don't really get any time with them on the weekends either.

What I've also realized, is that our family is seeing a big shift. We've been parents for over a decade now, and the youngest kid is five. For most of our time so far, it's been "firsts". First birthday, first scary ride at the fair. first sleepover, and so on. And yeah, I know the "firsts" are far from over, but I'm starting to see the "lasts" creeping in. We just sent our last child to kindergarten. A couple of our friends have babies, and I got a pang of sadness when I realized that I'll never feel the sheer bliss of holding my newborn child ever again. Never have a tiny person that I MADE fall asleep on my chest anymore. On the other side of the coin though, I guess I've changed my last diaper. So I guess not all "lasts" are terrible, huh?

Overall, the important thing I'm focusing on is appreciating the moments I do get with them. The last ten years seem to have flown by, and I know that's only going to get worse. At the moment, I have three sweet, amazing kids who ACTUALLY want to spend time with me. I have to constantly remind myself how fleeting that is. I love my little people, exactly how they are. The hard part is accepting that "how they are" will constantly change for as long as I'll be around to see it.

"I don't know when, but we'll get together then",
B