Finding Your Lane

Hey folks! 

Quick health update, then I'll get into what I'm here to talk about...

I'm now four weeks removed from my shoulder operation. Things are pretty good, but there are struggles. I'm not really in much pain, but it's not mobile. Like, at all. I've got about 15 degrees I can lift it but that's about it. There's also almost no strength in it. Not being able to do much around the house has been tough. I'm slowly figuring out what I can do and what I can't. Right now I'm typing with my sling off, but even that is dicey. 

I now see why the surgeon was firm in saying that when I'll be able to drop the sling (hopefully next Thursday), I won't yet be ready for work. This arm is far from okay, and clearly won't be for awhile. I'm not back to work until mid-Feb, and it's going to take a lot of rehab to get back on track even by then. 

At least post-sling, I should be able to drive after I strengthen a bit. I'm pumped about getting some independence back. Hopefully, I'll be able to balance the exercises I'll have to commit to with a lot of comedy. 

I'll have minimum six or more weeks before I return to work. That's a gift I'll need to take advantage of. 

Speaking of comedy....After a couple of relatively big shows this week, I've come to an epiphany:

For the last couple of years, I couldn't shake the impression that however I was doing stand up was wrong. That I had to change my style/approach to be more successful. What I realized this morning was that I can't be anything but me up there, for whatever that's worth. 

I would see more performative or energetic comedians and get really jealous. "Why can't I be dynamic like that?"

It would drive me crazy. I just thought I didn't have the tools to stand out against the sea of open mic'ers in Alberta and beyond. That not being that type would hold me back forever. 

Today though, it clicked. 

That's not me. And trying to make it me is only going to come across forced and inauthentic. And in comedy, funny and authentic are almost equally important. I have to stay true to what feels right. On the scale of physical commitment and casual like-ability, I'm nowhere near the top. I'm not high-energy. I'm more dry, subtle, and on a good day, witty, present and smart. Those are my strengths. Pining about what I don't bring to the party won't get me anywhere. For better or worse, all I can be on stage is me. 

Sure, this is an act of resignation, but I don't think it's a negative one. It's also not me saying that I'm fully formed as a comedian now. Not at all. I still want to add way more tools to my belt. To be versatile and able to handle many styles and situations. I still want to write some material that takes me out of my comfort zone and challenges me. But I'm starting to get a handle on what I look and sound like up there. What feels like things I would say, in a way I would/should be saying them. 

I don't know if I've found the elusive "voice" that comedians chase. Hell, I don't even know if the tools that I do have will be enough to succeed at this. But I'd say at least I have a lane now. A tighter handle on the skills I can continue to refine and polish. 

All I can bring to a show is the best version of me. I'm done trying to be a crappy someone else. 

Thanks as always for reading, see you soon.

 B

One-Armed-Wunderbrad

Hey folks! I figured I was way past due on an update on my shoulder situation. For those of you who are new here, a little over a week ago I had an operation for a torn labrum. Trust me spellcheck, it's a real word. 

As I'm typing this with a sling on, I'm going to need you to read this slower to make it more authentic to the creation process. Cool? No. Slower than that. 

Better. 

My new sling is now a very important part of my life. Other than bathing (an activity that I'm not supposed to do solo), and straightening my arm for the required three sets of thirty per day, it's always there. It's been there for 12 days, and it's not going anywhere for the next 35 more. 

So, this has been quite the adjustment...

It isn't really painful, as long as I don't do anything I'm not supposed to do, which is almost everything. More of a general discomfort and annoyance really. The first few days were pretty rough, with the recovery/medication taking a lot out of me. My energy levels were terrible. In some ways that was easier though, as for the last week I've felt closer to normal, but still can't do much. A guy gets twitchy. 

It's not all bad though. My friends and family have been great. Checking up on me and taking me for outings. Which is great because losing the freedom to drive myself anywhere I want to is frustrating. My wife in particular has been amazing in so many ways. She took the first week off to give me whatever I needed, which gave us a ton of time together. We mostly spent that time watching really depressing shows together, which was lovely. 

I also discovered that I can still play video games pain-free, so it won't be hard to fill the hours without her now that she's back to work. The hardest part about that is the guilt about not being able to pitch in around the house. In the morning I wake up the kids, and can slap together sandwiches, but that's about it. I can kind of wash (small) dishes, although I'm probably not even supposed to do that. But I can't help with laundry, sweep the floors or anything like that. It's hard to put all of that on her and not feel like a schmuck. 

I'm also waiting for my disability insurance to kick in. Not having the steady paycheck is stressful. We're staying afloat, but it's hard not to feel like I'm bringing nothing to family right now. Not earning money. Not lightening the workload with all this time at home. It's tough. 

But I'm grasping that this is all an exercise in surrender. I want to heal properly and for all this to work, so that I can get back to being me and doing more. That's going to mean accepting the full recovery process, and staying humble and letting people help me. I get my stitches out tomorrow and consult with the surgeon, so, we're getting there. 

Stay tuned for more, because what else am I going to do?

B

Time to Breathe

Hey folks. Welcome back! I've got updates, news, revelations and more to share. Let's get going! 

As the summer rolled along, I felt like I was too. I had some great sets, wrote a ton of new jokes, was pretty solid at home and work, and started seeing a therapist even! (which I've been talking about for years). Things felt smooth. But a couple of weeks ago, the wheels fell off a bit....

I had been putting a lot of pressure on myself to set an example in the Red Deer comedy scene. Striving for that has led to some positive things, and for sure pushed me to be better, but it's also been stressful. The well of solid new material dried up a bit, and I got really frustrated by a couple of rough shows. My confidence really took a hit. Add to that the news that my comedy hetero-life-partner, Zachary Landry, is stepping out of the scene for awhile to focus on other things, and I got really wound up about having to do even more in his absence.  

My therapy also ended. I was only referred for six sessions. It felt really good to engage with someone to push through the stuff I was juggling. It took us awhile to really dig in, but I realized what I really needed, and really the theme of this past couple of years, was to process how to balance my love and responsibilities for my family with my passion for comedy. I didn't walk out with a true solution, because I don't think there is an easy fix. What I did come to terms with, is that to feel like things are balanced, I have to accept that I'll always be worried that they aren't. If I stop worrying about it, that's when I'm in the most trouble. Overall though, the counselor was very positive about me chasing comedy. He considered how much joy it can bring to others, and to myself, and insisted that it's important. 

The weird thing about having your therapy go surprisingly well, is that you're looking for something to blame for everything. Coming out the other side getting the "green light", means that I guess this is how HEALTHY people feel all the time? I still have stuff that causes me anxiety. Money, comedy, getting in my own way when it comes to happiness and relationships. That stuff lingers. But, I think it lingers for almost everybody. Based on my sessions, it seems like I'm managing these things well enough. It doesn't always feel that way though. 

There's a big situation looming that's causing me to re-frame all of this though. In mid-November, my operation for my torn labrum is finally happening. Six weeks in a sling is going to throw a wrench in the routine. But I think it's a wrench I really need. I may not get on stage that entire six weeks. I won't be working. One hand video games don't work either. So that's going to mean lots of time with the family. Also a ton of Netfilx, and books. I miss books! Recovery will be tough, but I'm really excited about the chance to hit "pause" on everything. Letting all things that I make matter too much fade out and just reconnecting with my family, my friends and especially myself.

My last show in Penhold for the year is this Saturday, then I have maybe three shows left to close out October and other than the local Thursday mic, I'm probably out of the grind for the rest of the year. In three weeks I'll be on the road to Jasper with my wife, celebrating our tenth anniversary in style. I'm way more excited about that, and my time off than any shows at the moment. 

I know comedy will always be a big part of my life, but the biggest takeaway from 2019 is that it isn't my life. I was so desperate for success that anything less felt invalidating. I might finally be past that, and I'm confident that by the time my sling comes off, I fully will be. What I do, and how others feel about what I do isn't who I am. 2020 will be about making who I am better, healthier and more grounded than ever. 

Stop pushing so hard! Take a look around sometimes! BREATHE!

(make sure I'm doing this if you see me, and try it for yourself if you can)

Thanks everyone, 

B

Article Aftermath and More!

So, in June I wrote an article, This article actually, for the Comedy Tribune. The article was first conceived from a place of anger. I had been called out for how distant, busy and distracted I've been from my comedy habit. I was mad about it, so the piece started as me trying to rationalize and justify myself. To explain how this was how I had to do it. Once I realized what I was saying and had the situation laid out literally right in front of my face, my whole perspective changed. 

I was not okay. I was not properly supporting the most important people in my life. I was blind to how obsessed I'd become with chasing my dream, that I didn't realize what I could lose, WAS losing, in the process. My family, friends and personal well-being were all suffering. I had to find some balance.

I'll admit now, that even the article itself wasn't a balanced look at the situation. It barely mentioned anything that wasn't comedy. (And this one won't either.) But that was kind of the point though. That I didn't have my shit together AT ALL. It wasn't me saying that I had changed and that everything was fine now. It was a starting point to making things better. 

So....how's that going, you may be asking?

Better, in short. Not all the way better, but better. 

I had a couple of big shows to wrap up after the article dropped, then I planned on slowing down. Not quite stopping, but taking my foot off the gas. I think that really helped make those last couple of sets much stronger, because I did have  a "treat every set like it could be your last" mentality going in. I knew the break was coming, and was excited about it. 

After I got through those, I had almost two weeks without any stage time, then only did about a show a week for the next two. It felt good to unplug. I didn't write. I didn't go to shows. I just checked out, and tried to reconnect with my family and friends. 

I didn't get upset about the shows that I could be on and wasn't. I enjoyed not having that take up space in my head. Oddly though, I did get upset about HOW unconcerned I was about not hustling. I surprised myself with that. Doubts about how badly I wanted to succeed lingered. But for the most part, I was at peace with it. 

I also put a lot of thought into what exactly I want from this, in what time-frame, and what I'm willing to do to achieve it. That led me to consider that I've probably graduated from complete rookie to pseudo-competent amateur, which is nice, but there's easily fifty or more comics in this province floating around at the same position as me. Separating from the pack could take years if it happens at all. So that means I have to adjust my expectations. 

I have, to a degree, proven myself to the bigger comedy scene as a guy who can deliver an adequate set in general. That means that I don't need to head to other cities as often to stay visible anymore. In fact I'd rather go less often, with more growth to showcase, than to be around all the time blending in with the rest of the big-city talent. There's also more local stage time than ever, so I won't need to chase time elsewhere to keep improving. 

I've also learned that there's no one magical show that will change my career path forever in either direction. Every set is just another inch forward. That's a good place to be, because I don't have as much jealousy about someone else's opportunities. As much fear of missing a "big show". Things will happen (maybe) when they are supposed to. It's okay to say "no". I turned down a Calgary contest mainly because win or (probably) lose, it wasn't going to be a big enough deal to burn the gas money and the time. I'm trying to be more calculating than ever about where my time and money should go. I don't need to do it all. 

Now I check these questions before saying yes to a gig. 

How much will I learn?

Who's there that I can network with?

How much will it cost me in money or time? Does it pay?

How much fun will it be?

If the answers aren't good enough, it's a no. That's the way it has to be now. I love spending time with my wife. I don't want to miss my children growing up. I don't want to ignore my friendships. Those things matter, and need to be a priority. 

Of course, I'm typing this as I prepare for one of four shows I'm on this week. So I'm still saying yes a lot. Things will still be hard to juggle. I don't think perfect balance is even possible. But I'm being mindful now. And that's helping.

Thanks for reading,

B

New Rules?

Hey folks! Before I recap my very eventful last couple of months in comedy, I figure I should drop a quick health update after the diabetes diagnosis. 

Well...things are okay I think. I've cut sugar by probably two thirds, and carbs by maybe half. Through that I've lost about 10 pounds. So, progress! I haven't had an easy time navigating whatever is next though. I haven't had a follow up with the doctor I was consulting with. He's not taking new patients these days, so I've kind of been floating around with not much support. I've decided to call HealthLink about how one finds a good doctor who can be available for me going forward. Now that I'm in my forties, newly diabetic with an impending shoulder operation, it would be nice to get a solid home base for my medical needs. I coasted for two decades doing the clinic thing. Not for me anymore though. I need to make bigger changes, and I'm not on top of this on my own. So, yeah. I'm doing okay, but just okay. Stay tuned for more info later.

When I'm not stressed out about my health, my favourite past time is stressing about my comedy career, so let's get into that!

Reeeeaaally late last Friday, as three of us were driving back to Red Deer from Lethbridge (my first "comedy sleepover"), I was feeling soap-boxy, so I was ranting about my "rules of stand up". Not that I have much business telling anyone how to do this "right", but despite that, I have found a few things valuable. 

1. Be funny.

2. Be nice. 

Those were my first two. Not exactly ground-breaking, but so important. If you deliver onstage on average, and are easy to deal with offstage, you will get ahead at some point. As I returned from my fourth show in two different cities over two days, I was telling my captive car audience about my new third rule.

3. Ask for what you want, but expect nothing. 

This new one had caused some big growth over the last few months for me, and really impacted this week in particular. Wednesday we were in Edmonton for two shows. One was a showcase in the biggest comedy club in the city, then Zachary Landry and I had a contest in a comedy theatre right after. We first discovered that weekday shows at The Comic Strip aren't the hottest ticket sometimes, as we were facing a crowd of maybe twenty people, and they were not going to be easy laughers. Some of the Edmonton comics got really tight facing such a tough situation, but for Zachary and I, (especially him), we have seen some really rough rooms in Red Deer, and we didn't come into this show expecting to kill. So we just had fun with it. Same thing with the contest after. Neither of us thought we had a win locked down, but we had a blast in front of a really fun crowd. Many of the other comics in attendance were really complimentary after, and having them on our side is way more important than a single contest win. We kept our expectations low and focused on doing our best and having fun. 

That mindset carried over to Lethbridge, where the two of us were joined by Niek Theelen for the trip. We roll in Thursday night to find the club owner double-booked, so we ended up running the open mic. Everyone had a blast. The next night was the roast battle, and again, we all tried to not worry about winning as much as giving the situation all that we had and keeping it fun. That led to Zachary and I shirtlessly roasting each other as the host joined in and people threw change. We didn't win, but that was one of the biggest moments of the show. I also had to do a regular set as people were taking intermission, and once again, if I expected that to go great, I wasn't going to be happy. Instead, I just took the moment for what it was and bared down. 

So I was feeling pretty good about my new rule heading into the next show I produce in Penhold on the Saturday. The last show out there was so fun, and I "expected" (uh huh) that this show would finally pull a big crowd and actually be financially successful. Even though it was Easter weekend. 

As I got ready to start the show for the nine people in attendance, I was a mess. Pissed off and unsatisfied, I carried that negativity to the stage. I wasn't appreciative enough of the few folks who were there to support the show. I could only focus on the empty seats. So not only did I not do well as a producer, I also bombed pretty hard as host. None of us will call that show one for the ages, that's for sure. 

It took me two more days and a lot of talking it out with others to realize that I totally broke my new rule. Expectations locked me into, "I'm only going to be satisfied if THIS happens." Instead, If I was to tweak my approach to get that small crowd on my side and to show them love for coming, everyone could have had a better night. Especially me. 

So yeah. If I'm going to wax poetic on how to make comedy work, I have to keep myself in check about it. 

I'm very lucky to have some people in my corner that will call me out on my bullshit. Because I need that a lot. 

I've got the biggest contest of the year next week. I'm going to bring the best stuff I can. I'm going to focus on having fun. What I'm not going to do is expect to win.

Thanks...

B

A Health Wrinkle

So, I went in to get a referral on my shoulder issues, and that meant running some tests. Most of the tests came back great, except my blood test came back with an issue.

I have diabetes.

Feels weird to type. Feels weird to say. I'm not used to it yet. 

Don't get me wrong. I knew something was coming. I eat mostly garbage and am probably 20 (Okay 40) pounds overweight. But I always thought the heart attack was going to be what got me. My dad's had 2. Both grandfathers had them. But nope. You know how some people have ice in their veins? Apparently I have Slurpee. 

I make jokes, because that's what I do, but this sucks. I'm scared. I'm angry. There's a ton I don't know yet. (My meeting with the diabetes nurse is pending.) At this point, the doctor said I don't need to monitor levels yet or need medication, so that's good. But I have to stop eating all the things I eat. All of 'em. Hot dogs, burgers, nachos, beer, and Pepsi. All gone. Just like pasta, pretty much all bread, donuts, sugar in my coffee, white rice. Oh, and my wife is the best baker I know. Sigh...

So...yeah. I'm pretty much in mourning for the old me right now. It's okay if you don't have a lot of pity. I know this is not the sexiest or most dramatic of conditions. It's the "take better care of yourself fatty" of diseases. I have to be a healthy person now. This had made me feel pretty vulnerable and fragile, but I have a concrete reason to work harder. There's stakes now. Getting healthy was always a vague "it would be nice to look and feel better" thing, but now it's a "I like my feet and being able to see" thing. I don't want this to get me. I want to be here for my family, and not just here, but functional. The doctor was very clear that diet and exercise can eliminate all symptoms of diabetes. So that's where we're at. I have to educate myself, make changes, and be disciplined. Those things haven't been my jam in the past, but I will put in the work. 

Thanks for putting up with my pity party. Carry on. 

B

New Year Check In

So...New Years, huh? People tend to use this time to reflect on what last year was, and what next year could be. The combination of holiday craziness and my general laziness is causing this to happen a couple of weeks into the year. 

Hey this is free. Sorry not sorry....

Seriously though, 2018 was quite a year I must say. Every month, I dug in a little harder on stand-up comedy. Which resulted in the following things:

-I started producing my own comedy shows in January. By the end of the year, I'd delivered 8 shows to 3 different venues, with average crowds of around 60. 

-I competed in 4 different contests. 2 in Edmonton and 2 in Calgary. 

-I tripled the amount of sets I've done in a year, and more than doubled my total amount. 

-I tried roast battles and found I don't suck at them.

-I led an intro to stand-up workshop. 

-To start the year, my longest set was a shaky 15 minutes. By year's end, I had done a couple of decent 30 minute sets. 

-I closed out two shows, one in Calgary, and dipped my toe in the corporate event waters. 

-I was nominated for Comedian of the Year at the Red Deer Entertainment Awards. 

Not bad huh?

I'll admit, I was pretty proud of these things. There was even some cockiness creeping in, until I kept the following in mind:

-I didn't advance past the first round in any of those contests. 

-I was almost never the best performer on any show I was on. 

-I only sold out 2 of the shows I produced. 

-I often felt I wasn't focused enough. 

-My 30 minutes isn't that tight yet. 

-While I don't suck at roasts, I'm not a true killer on them yet. 

So....good things happened, progress was made, but realistically, all I've really done is become a solid piece of the tiny Red Deer comedy scene and am managing (usually) to not make a show I'm on worse. That's not nothing, but I've only really advanced from rookie to novice. I made strides, but I'm still just an open-mic amateur in a small city. There's pros and cons to that. I'm under the radar, so I can develop with less pressure, but that also means as I do improve, it's hard to gain traction and attention. 

Looking back on the year was easy, but looking ahead has been trickier. I don't expect to see the same amount of growth as I had before. I think that will slow down. I still have a ton to learn as a writer and performer, but I think the lessons will be smaller and less frequent. You're bound to see change the first year you commit harder to any pursuit, but that level of change is rarely sustainable. 

I've also found, as I adjusted my priorities last year, how much I had been missing at home. It took a few weeks/months, but I'm more settled just being at home with my wife and kids more. Being present with them has been so great! So I want to move forward with care. Sure, running as hard as possible with no regard for anything else in my life could accelerate my career. COULD. But, nothing is promised to me. All my passion and effort could lead to staying right around where I am, so I'd rather try to keep a little balance in my life and not force things. Sure, I may miss out on certain opportunities. I actually turned down a contest spot last week for a family event. But that's fine. I don't want to gamble with the important people in my life for something that may never come. 

"Success" is pretty ethereal in comedy. I know a few comics who have "made it" by most people's measure, but they are still hustling to fill the calendar and usually perform for people who have no clue who they are. It's never going to be easy, and may never be profitable. So I'm trying to relax about goals and milestones. I told my comedy workshop that if you can walk off the stage having had fun, while taking something away that'll make you better, and made the crowd happy, you're a successful comedian. I need to practice the preaching. 

That being said, it's not a bad idea to set some targets. After all, a 30 minute set wasn't on the horizon until I made it a goal. There are things I want to strive for. I want to keep improving of course, but I want to increase my visibility. Especially in the clubs. If I want to take any steps toward going pro, "passing" the clubs is a key part of that. I have to get Calgary and Edmonton to notice where I'm at. I also want to make the finals in at least one contest this year. Comedy contests are very subjective, but if you aren't clearly good enough to advance past the first round, then you need to work. Lastly, I really want to open for a headliner on the road. I want to see what that's like, and to see how I handle it. If I struggle or it causes too much stress for my homelife, I want to know, so I can adjust to that. 

Overall, I just want to stay active, stay joyful, and be "around" for when opportunity knocks. 

Bring it on, 2019!

B