Finding Your Lane

Hey folks! 

Quick health update, then I'll get into what I'm here to talk about...

I'm now four weeks removed from my shoulder operation. Things are pretty good, but there are struggles. I'm not really in much pain, but it's not mobile. Like, at all. I've got about 15 degrees I can lift it but that's about it. There's also almost no strength in it. Not being able to do much around the house has been tough. I'm slowly figuring out what I can do and what I can't. Right now I'm typing with my sling off, but even that is dicey. 

I now see why the surgeon was firm in saying that when I'll be able to drop the sling (hopefully next Thursday), I won't yet be ready for work. This arm is far from okay, and clearly won't be for awhile. I'm not back to work until mid-Feb, and it's going to take a lot of rehab to get back on track even by then. 

At least post-sling, I should be able to drive after I strengthen a bit. I'm pumped about getting some independence back. Hopefully, I'll be able to balance the exercises I'll have to commit to with a lot of comedy. 

I'll have minimum six or more weeks before I return to work. That's a gift I'll need to take advantage of. 

Speaking of comedy....After a couple of relatively big shows this week, I've come to an epiphany:

For the last couple of years, I couldn't shake the impression that however I was doing stand up was wrong. That I had to change my style/approach to be more successful. What I realized this morning was that I can't be anything but me up there, for whatever that's worth. 

I would see more performative or energetic comedians and get really jealous. "Why can't I be dynamic like that?"

It would drive me crazy. I just thought I didn't have the tools to stand out against the sea of open mic'ers in Alberta and beyond. That not being that type would hold me back forever. 

Today though, it clicked. 

That's not me. And trying to make it me is only going to come across forced and inauthentic. And in comedy, funny and authentic are almost equally important. I have to stay true to what feels right. On the scale of physical commitment and casual like-ability, I'm nowhere near the top. I'm not high-energy. I'm more dry, subtle, and on a good day, witty, present and smart. Those are my strengths. Pining about what I don't bring to the party won't get me anywhere. For better or worse, all I can be on stage is me. 

Sure, this is an act of resignation, but I don't think it's a negative one. It's also not me saying that I'm fully formed as a comedian now. Not at all. I still want to add way more tools to my belt. To be versatile and able to handle many styles and situations. I still want to write some material that takes me out of my comfort zone and challenges me. But I'm starting to get a handle on what I look and sound like up there. What feels like things I would say, in a way I would/should be saying them. 

I don't know if I've found the elusive "voice" that comedians chase. Hell, I don't even know if the tools that I do have will be enough to succeed at this. But I'd say at least I have a lane now. A tighter handle on the skills I can continue to refine and polish. 

All I can bring to a show is the best version of me. I'm done trying to be a crappy someone else. 

Thanks as always for reading, see you soon.

 B

One-Armed-Wunderbrad

Hey folks! I figured I was way past due on an update on my shoulder situation. For those of you who are new here, a little over a week ago I had an operation for a torn labrum. Trust me spellcheck, it's a real word. 

As I'm typing this with a sling on, I'm going to need you to read this slower to make it more authentic to the creation process. Cool? No. Slower than that. 

Better. 

My new sling is now a very important part of my life. Other than bathing (an activity that I'm not supposed to do solo), and straightening my arm for the required three sets of thirty per day, it's always there. It's been there for 12 days, and it's not going anywhere for the next 35 more. 

So, this has been quite the adjustment...

It isn't really painful, as long as I don't do anything I'm not supposed to do, which is almost everything. More of a general discomfort and annoyance really. The first few days were pretty rough, with the recovery/medication taking a lot out of me. My energy levels were terrible. In some ways that was easier though, as for the last week I've felt closer to normal, but still can't do much. A guy gets twitchy. 

It's not all bad though. My friends and family have been great. Checking up on me and taking me for outings. Which is great because losing the freedom to drive myself anywhere I want to is frustrating. My wife in particular has been amazing in so many ways. She took the first week off to give me whatever I needed, which gave us a ton of time together. We mostly spent that time watching really depressing shows together, which was lovely. 

I also discovered that I can still play video games pain-free, so it won't be hard to fill the hours without her now that she's back to work. The hardest part about that is the guilt about not being able to pitch in around the house. In the morning I wake up the kids, and can slap together sandwiches, but that's about it. I can kind of wash (small) dishes, although I'm probably not even supposed to do that. But I can't help with laundry, sweep the floors or anything like that. It's hard to put all of that on her and not feel like a schmuck. 

I'm also waiting for my disability insurance to kick in. Not having the steady paycheck is stressful. We're staying afloat, but it's hard not to feel like I'm bringing nothing to family right now. Not earning money. Not lightening the workload with all this time at home. It's tough. 

But I'm grasping that this is all an exercise in surrender. I want to heal properly and for all this to work, so that I can get back to being me and doing more. That's going to mean accepting the full recovery process, and staying humble and letting people help me. I get my stitches out tomorrow and consult with the surgeon, so, we're getting there. 

Stay tuned for more, because what else am I going to do?

B