Biggest Year of My Life: Part 1 (I have a career now)

Hiya folks. Welcome back. Other than laziness, the main reason I wasn't on here much, was that things weren't really happening. I was stuck in a bit of a rut. There was some noteworthy stuff, but I didn't feel like talking about it. But TONS is happening now. Things I haven't even fully processed yet, but this should help with that. 

The theme of the next few of these that you (hopefully) read, is change. Each post will focus on a different aspect of what's changing for me, but by the end of the summer, pretty much everything in my life will be different. I'll try to go in order of events, so this one is about my worklife. 

Way back in 2002, I had just returned with my tail between my legs from almost 2 years living in Calgary (Alberta, Canada if you're not from around here). I do not at all regret my time there, but I won't pretend I "won" there either. I had just lost my second job in 2 months, and felt like the city had chewed me up and was ready to spit me out. I was too depressed to find other work, so I called up my parents, and had them come help me move home on a very snowy day in February. 

Of course, living unemployed at my parent's house was not going to be a long-term solution, so after licking my wounds for a couple of weeks, I started looking for work. I found it at Costco Wholesale. This was my third attempt at getting in, and this time it paid off. I was in!

2 weeks ago, I got out. 

If your math is good, you know that 20 years has gone by. Yep. Almost half of my life was there. In that time, I've literally seen customer's children grow up in front of me, and have kids of their own. That all happened to me as well, as a couple of years in, I met my future wife, with whom I have 3 present kids. We bought a house, and have 2 dogs and 2 cats. Through all of that the constant was Costco. 

I do appreciate my time there. I grew into the semi-functional adult I am today spending 300 days a year in that store. Most of my time was spent in electronics sales, but I've done about half of the available jobs over the 2 decades. I picked up a lot of soft skills, and worked with so many people. Most of them were great! Which is a pretty good ratio. 

The funny thing is, I always thought that one day, I'd impress someone with my customer service skills so much that they would offer me a better job on the spot. I was not always a model employee in every aspect of my run there, but I knew I was good with the customers and selling them what they were looking for. And I held on to the notion that I'd be noticed for that, and someone would come along and change my life. 

As that's a pretty delusional idea, I wasn't running around talking about it or anything. But it never really went away. But as I neared the 20 year milestone, it had never happened. 

But then it actually DID.

The wildest part of the story is that I wasn't even supposed to be working in that area on that fateful night. I was the Marketer, which in a pandemic meant that I worked the membership and returns desk. I'd been in that job about 2 years. But my old department "majors" didn't have a lot of trained staff, and was always running thin. So I was sent over to cover a lunch break. About a minute in, a well-dressed man walked up and said, "sell me a printer". So I pointed out how Epsons don't use cartridges and a few other things. Just did my thing. 

My "thing" apparently worked, because he told me that he was the Sales Director of Digitex and started asking me about my how I felt about my job and if I'd consider a change. He told me about his company and what a great opportunity it could be for me. Everything sounded great! But I wanted to be transparent with him, so I told him that my side hustle is stand up comedy. I really didn't know how that was going to be received. But he was even more interested! Having to network and essentially run a small business, along with being comfortable speaking in public and embracing awkward situations with confidence were very transferrable skills. One resume and a couple of solid interviews later, and I'm now a Business Development Consultant for Digitex/Xerox!

This was literally the thing I'd always wished for! That's right. I got "Pretty Woman"ed.

This was way back in March. A couple of things delayed the process of switching jobs, but now it's all systems go! I just survived my first week of training, and have had the chance to meet most of the staff from across Western Canada in person. Heading into the commission sales game, I expected a more aggresive and competitive culture. It hasn't been like that at all! Everyone supports each other and wants everyone to succeed. Sure there's targets and expectations, but I feel confident that I'll have the tools and support at my disposal to thrive. The money should be significantly better, and, more importantly, the schedule is office hours with flexibility! That's so valuable to me, with the other changes that are coming. (stay tuned for info on that). I'll have more time with the kids, and more flexibility to be busier with comedy. For now though, comedy will have to take a bit of a back seat, as I really want to focus on making this job, no this CAREER, as successful as I can. 

Leaving Costco was surreal. All that time there had made me comfortable and complacent. 

I'll miss the routine of the store, (even though it wasn't necessarily a healthy one), and my great coworkers, many I'd call friends. But it was time. The best possible time, honestly. I don't think I was ready for this chance two years ago. But now I feel like I can bring my best self to Digitex and my new clients in Red Deer and beyond.

 I'm so excited about this challenge, even though it meant taking a risk. The safety in knowing you can show up every day, make a decent living for your family, and that your spot is secure had me stuck. Sure, I pined for something better that I wasn't out actively chasing. I'll admit that. But what I at least did was put myself in a position to take advantage just in case something presented itself. 

Everything is changing, but for the better. Doing the same thing forever wasn't going to make anything improve. You have to shake things up and bet on yourself. 

Shake Shake baby.

B

Crawling out of the dark cave that was 2020

 *blink blink*

Hello?

Is it safe to come out? 

No?

I'm coming out anyway.

Hey everybody. First things first. Let's get the excuses out of the way. It's been 14 months or so since I updated ol' bloggy. I suck. Can't even totally blame the apocalypse, as 4 months went by before that was a thing. Considering that those 4 months were just shoulder rehab and video games, let's pretend I didn't have much to say. 

In my defence though, anyone reading this blog can just pretend 2020 didn't even happen, right? If you do choose that path, skip this quick recap of what happened to me this year:

-Booked a couple of big shows with the amazing Simon King. One of which became the new home for Longshot Comedy. (I love you Open Range Saloon!) I was able to do a full 30 min opening slot on these shows. 

-Came back to work in a new position of Marketer, right when that position was rendered meaningless. So instead I hang out at the customer service desk. People tell me I'm essential. It is nice to still get paid through all of this, despite the lingering fear of constant exposure to the public. 

-Somehow managed to keep pushing forward in comedy through restrictions, including getting booked to open on 4 city tour! (I might dedicate a future post to getting into detail on this)

-Had all momentum on that front stop twice, the second one still happening. Frustrating, but real, focused time at home with my family has been great. Silver linings.

-Lost a friend indirectly from Covid, and nearly lost 2 more directly from it. This hammered home what's really important right now. Family. It's family you guys. You thought I was going to say comedy didn't you?

So now here I am, pondering the lessons of the most dramatic year ever, and trying to piece together how to handle the next one. There's no clear end in sight to the pandemic though, so I'm not exactly rushing out to buy a day planner. I guess maybe that's the lesson. Nothing can be taken for granted. No amount of passion or planning will matter. I'm not in control. Surrendering to that is tough, but necessary. 

All I can control is where my focus and energy goes. And to not dwell on what's out of my hands. I need to appreciate having a safe, healthy family and being able to pay my bills. That alone is a rare gift these days. And when I do get back on a stage in front of a crowd safely, I want to savor that more too. Bring my best self to the comedy, but like, with balance. Having it go away has forced me to learn that I can't put all my eggs in that basket. I can't expect it to be my therapy and only source of validation and identity. Because when it stops, depression happens. And it did. Does still, but did more before. 

I'm still weak, unstable and inconsistent me, but I'm going to work on improving. A better me will hopefully lead to a better comedian, but more importantly lead to a healthier and more present person. 

To a new and better year, (because the bar is low)

B

Finding Your Lane

Hey folks! 

Quick health update, then I'll get into what I'm here to talk about...

I'm now four weeks removed from my shoulder operation. Things are pretty good, but there are struggles. I'm not really in much pain, but it's not mobile. Like, at all. I've got about 15 degrees I can lift it but that's about it. There's also almost no strength in it. Not being able to do much around the house has been tough. I'm slowly figuring out what I can do and what I can't. Right now I'm typing with my sling off, but even that is dicey. 

I now see why the surgeon was firm in saying that when I'll be able to drop the sling (hopefully next Thursday), I won't yet be ready for work. This arm is far from okay, and clearly won't be for awhile. I'm not back to work until mid-Feb, and it's going to take a lot of rehab to get back on track even by then. 

At least post-sling, I should be able to drive after I strengthen a bit. I'm pumped about getting some independence back. Hopefully, I'll be able to balance the exercises I'll have to commit to with a lot of comedy. 

I'll have minimum six or more weeks before I return to work. That's a gift I'll need to take advantage of. 

Speaking of comedy....After a couple of relatively big shows this week, I've come to an epiphany:

For the last couple of years, I couldn't shake the impression that however I was doing stand up was wrong. That I had to change my style/approach to be more successful. What I realized this morning was that I can't be anything but me up there, for whatever that's worth. 

I would see more performative or energetic comedians and get really jealous. "Why can't I be dynamic like that?"

It would drive me crazy. I just thought I didn't have the tools to stand out against the sea of open mic'ers in Alberta and beyond. That not being that type would hold me back forever. 

Today though, it clicked. 

That's not me. And trying to make it me is only going to come across forced and inauthentic. And in comedy, funny and authentic are almost equally important. I have to stay true to what feels right. On the scale of physical commitment and casual like-ability, I'm nowhere near the top. I'm not high-energy. I'm more dry, subtle, and on a good day, witty, present and smart. Those are my strengths. Pining about what I don't bring to the party won't get me anywhere. For better or worse, all I can be on stage is me. 

Sure, this is an act of resignation, but I don't think it's a negative one. It's also not me saying that I'm fully formed as a comedian now. Not at all. I still want to add way more tools to my belt. To be versatile and able to handle many styles and situations. I still want to write some material that takes me out of my comfort zone and challenges me. But I'm starting to get a handle on what I look and sound like up there. What feels like things I would say, in a way I would/should be saying them. 

I don't know if I've found the elusive "voice" that comedians chase. Hell, I don't even know if the tools that I do have will be enough to succeed at this. But I'd say at least I have a lane now. A tighter handle on the skills I can continue to refine and polish. 

All I can bring to a show is the best version of me. I'm done trying to be a crappy someone else. 

Thanks as always for reading, see you soon.

 B

One-Armed-Wunderbrad

Hey folks! I figured I was way past due on an update on my shoulder situation. For those of you who are new here, a little over a week ago I had an operation for a torn labrum. Trust me spellcheck, it's a real word. 

As I'm typing this with a sling on, I'm going to need you to read this slower to make it more authentic to the creation process. Cool? No. Slower than that. 

Better. 

My new sling is now a very important part of my life. Other than bathing (an activity that I'm not supposed to do solo), and straightening my arm for the required three sets of thirty per day, it's always there. It's been there for 12 days, and it's not going anywhere for the next 35 more. 

So, this has been quite the adjustment...

It isn't really painful, as long as I don't do anything I'm not supposed to do, which is almost everything. More of a general discomfort and annoyance really. The first few days were pretty rough, with the recovery/medication taking a lot out of me. My energy levels were terrible. In some ways that was easier though, as for the last week I've felt closer to normal, but still can't do much. A guy gets twitchy. 

It's not all bad though. My friends and family have been great. Checking up on me and taking me for outings. Which is great because losing the freedom to drive myself anywhere I want to is frustrating. My wife in particular has been amazing in so many ways. She took the first week off to give me whatever I needed, which gave us a ton of time together. We mostly spent that time watching really depressing shows together, which was lovely. 

I also discovered that I can still play video games pain-free, so it won't be hard to fill the hours without her now that she's back to work. The hardest part about that is the guilt about not being able to pitch in around the house. In the morning I wake up the kids, and can slap together sandwiches, but that's about it. I can kind of wash (small) dishes, although I'm probably not even supposed to do that. But I can't help with laundry, sweep the floors or anything like that. It's hard to put all of that on her and not feel like a schmuck. 

I'm also waiting for my disability insurance to kick in. Not having the steady paycheck is stressful. We're staying afloat, but it's hard not to feel like I'm bringing nothing to family right now. Not earning money. Not lightening the workload with all this time at home. It's tough. 

But I'm grasping that this is all an exercise in surrender. I want to heal properly and for all this to work, so that I can get back to being me and doing more. That's going to mean accepting the full recovery process, and staying humble and letting people help me. I get my stitches out tomorrow and consult with the surgeon, so, we're getting there. 

Stay tuned for more, because what else am I going to do?

B

Time to Breathe

Hey folks. Welcome back! I've got updates, news, revelations and more to share. Let's get going! 

As the summer rolled along, I felt like I was too. I had some great sets, wrote a ton of new jokes, was pretty solid at home and work, and started seeing a therapist even! (which I've been talking about for years). Things felt smooth. But a couple of weeks ago, the wheels fell off a bit....

I had been putting a lot of pressure on myself to set an example in the Red Deer comedy scene. Striving for that has led to some positive things, and for sure pushed me to be better, but it's also been stressful. The well of solid new material dried up a bit, and I got really frustrated by a couple of rough shows. My confidence really took a hit. Add to that the news that my comedy hetero-life-partner, Zachary Landry, is stepping out of the scene for awhile to focus on other things, and I got really wound up about having to do even more in his absence.  

My therapy also ended. I was only referred for six sessions. It felt really good to engage with someone to push through the stuff I was juggling. It took us awhile to really dig in, but I realized what I really needed, and really the theme of this past couple of years, was to process how to balance my love and responsibilities for my family with my passion for comedy. I didn't walk out with a true solution, because I don't think there is an easy fix. What I did come to terms with, is that to feel like things are balanced, I have to accept that I'll always be worried that they aren't. If I stop worrying about it, that's when I'm in the most trouble. Overall though, the counselor was very positive about me chasing comedy. He considered how much joy it can bring to others, and to myself, and insisted that it's important. 

The weird thing about having your therapy go surprisingly well, is that you're looking for something to blame for everything. Coming out the other side getting the "green light", means that I guess this is how HEALTHY people feel all the time? I still have stuff that causes me anxiety. Money, comedy, getting in my own way when it comes to happiness and relationships. That stuff lingers. But, I think it lingers for almost everybody. Based on my sessions, it seems like I'm managing these things well enough. It doesn't always feel that way though. 

There's a big situation looming that's causing me to re-frame all of this though. In mid-November, my operation for my torn labrum is finally happening. Six weeks in a sling is going to throw a wrench in the routine. But I think it's a wrench I really need. I may not get on stage that entire six weeks. I won't be working. One hand video games don't work either. So that's going to mean lots of time with the family. Also a ton of Netfilx, and books. I miss books! Recovery will be tough, but I'm really excited about the chance to hit "pause" on everything. Letting all things that I make matter too much fade out and just reconnecting with my family, my friends and especially myself.

My last show in Penhold for the year is this Saturday, then I have maybe three shows left to close out October and other than the local Thursday mic, I'm probably out of the grind for the rest of the year. In three weeks I'll be on the road to Jasper with my wife, celebrating our tenth anniversary in style. I'm way more excited about that, and my time off than any shows at the moment. 

I know comedy will always be a big part of my life, but the biggest takeaway from 2019 is that it isn't my life. I was so desperate for success that anything less felt invalidating. I might finally be past that, and I'm confident that by the time my sling comes off, I fully will be. What I do, and how others feel about what I do isn't who I am. 2020 will be about making who I am better, healthier and more grounded than ever. 

Stop pushing so hard! Take a look around sometimes! BREATHE!

(make sure I'm doing this if you see me, and try it for yourself if you can)

Thanks everyone, 

B

Article Aftermath and More!

So, in June I wrote an article, This article actually, for the Comedy Tribune. The article was first conceived from a place of anger. I had been called out for how distant, busy and distracted I've been from my comedy habit. I was mad about it, so the piece started as me trying to rationalize and justify myself. To explain how this was how I had to do it. Once I realized what I was saying and had the situation laid out literally right in front of my face, my whole perspective changed. 

I was not okay. I was not properly supporting the most important people in my life. I was blind to how obsessed I'd become with chasing my dream, that I didn't realize what I could lose, WAS losing, in the process. My family, friends and personal well-being were all suffering. I had to find some balance.

I'll admit now, that even the article itself wasn't a balanced look at the situation. It barely mentioned anything that wasn't comedy. (And this one won't either.) But that was kind of the point though. That I didn't have my shit together AT ALL. It wasn't me saying that I had changed and that everything was fine now. It was a starting point to making things better. 

So....how's that going, you may be asking?

Better, in short. Not all the way better, but better. 

I had a couple of big shows to wrap up after the article dropped, then I planned on slowing down. Not quite stopping, but taking my foot off the gas. I think that really helped make those last couple of sets much stronger, because I did have  a "treat every set like it could be your last" mentality going in. I knew the break was coming, and was excited about it. 

After I got through those, I had almost two weeks without any stage time, then only did about a show a week for the next two. It felt good to unplug. I didn't write. I didn't go to shows. I just checked out, and tried to reconnect with my family and friends. 

I didn't get upset about the shows that I could be on and wasn't. I enjoyed not having that take up space in my head. Oddly though, I did get upset about HOW unconcerned I was about not hustling. I surprised myself with that. Doubts about how badly I wanted to succeed lingered. But for the most part, I was at peace with it. 

I also put a lot of thought into what exactly I want from this, in what time-frame, and what I'm willing to do to achieve it. That led me to consider that I've probably graduated from complete rookie to pseudo-competent amateur, which is nice, but there's easily fifty or more comics in this province floating around at the same position as me. Separating from the pack could take years if it happens at all. So that means I have to adjust my expectations. 

I have, to a degree, proven myself to the bigger comedy scene as a guy who can deliver an adequate set in general. That means that I don't need to head to other cities as often to stay visible anymore. In fact I'd rather go less often, with more growth to showcase, than to be around all the time blending in with the rest of the big-city talent. There's also more local stage time than ever, so I won't need to chase time elsewhere to keep improving. 

I've also learned that there's no one magical show that will change my career path forever in either direction. Every set is just another inch forward. That's a good place to be, because I don't have as much jealousy about someone else's opportunities. As much fear of missing a "big show". Things will happen (maybe) when they are supposed to. It's okay to say "no". I turned down a Calgary contest mainly because win or (probably) lose, it wasn't going to be a big enough deal to burn the gas money and the time. I'm trying to be more calculating than ever about where my time and money should go. I don't need to do it all. 

Now I check these questions before saying yes to a gig. 

How much will I learn?

Who's there that I can network with?

How much will it cost me in money or time? Does it pay?

How much fun will it be?

If the answers aren't good enough, it's a no. That's the way it has to be now. I love spending time with my wife. I don't want to miss my children growing up. I don't want to ignore my friendships. Those things matter, and need to be a priority. 

Of course, I'm typing this as I prepare for one of four shows I'm on this week. So I'm still saying yes a lot. Things will still be hard to juggle. I don't think perfect balance is even possible. But I'm being mindful now. And that's helping.

Thanks for reading,

B

New Rules?

Hey folks! Before I recap my very eventful last couple of months in comedy, I figure I should drop a quick health update after the diabetes diagnosis. 

Well...things are okay I think. I've cut sugar by probably two thirds, and carbs by maybe half. Through that I've lost about 10 pounds. So, progress! I haven't had an easy time navigating whatever is next though. I haven't had a follow up with the doctor I was consulting with. He's not taking new patients these days, so I've kind of been floating around with not much support. I've decided to call HealthLink about how one finds a good doctor who can be available for me going forward. Now that I'm in my forties, newly diabetic with an impending shoulder operation, it would be nice to get a solid home base for my medical needs. I coasted for two decades doing the clinic thing. Not for me anymore though. I need to make bigger changes, and I'm not on top of this on my own. So, yeah. I'm doing okay, but just okay. Stay tuned for more info later.

When I'm not stressed out about my health, my favourite past time is stressing about my comedy career, so let's get into that!

Reeeeaaally late last Friday, as three of us were driving back to Red Deer from Lethbridge (my first "comedy sleepover"), I was feeling soap-boxy, so I was ranting about my "rules of stand up". Not that I have much business telling anyone how to do this "right", but despite that, I have found a few things valuable. 

1. Be funny.

2. Be nice. 

Those were my first two. Not exactly ground-breaking, but so important. If you deliver onstage on average, and are easy to deal with offstage, you will get ahead at some point. As I returned from my fourth show in two different cities over two days, I was telling my captive car audience about my new third rule.

3. Ask for what you want, but expect nothing. 

This new one had caused some big growth over the last few months for me, and really impacted this week in particular. Wednesday we were in Edmonton for two shows. One was a showcase in the biggest comedy club in the city, then Zachary Landry and I had a contest in a comedy theatre right after. We first discovered that weekday shows at The Comic Strip aren't the hottest ticket sometimes, as we were facing a crowd of maybe twenty people, and they were not going to be easy laughers. Some of the Edmonton comics got really tight facing such a tough situation, but for Zachary and I, (especially him), we have seen some really rough rooms in Red Deer, and we didn't come into this show expecting to kill. So we just had fun with it. Same thing with the contest after. Neither of us thought we had a win locked down, but we had a blast in front of a really fun crowd. Many of the other comics in attendance were really complimentary after, and having them on our side is way more important than a single contest win. We kept our expectations low and focused on doing our best and having fun. 

That mindset carried over to Lethbridge, where the two of us were joined by Niek Theelen for the trip. We roll in Thursday night to find the club owner double-booked, so we ended up running the open mic. Everyone had a blast. The next night was the roast battle, and again, we all tried to not worry about winning as much as giving the situation all that we had and keeping it fun. That led to Zachary and I shirtlessly roasting each other as the host joined in and people threw change. We didn't win, but that was one of the biggest moments of the show. I also had to do a regular set as people were taking intermission, and once again, if I expected that to go great, I wasn't going to be happy. Instead, I just took the moment for what it was and bared down. 

So I was feeling pretty good about my new rule heading into the next show I produce in Penhold on the Saturday. The last show out there was so fun, and I "expected" (uh huh) that this show would finally pull a big crowd and actually be financially successful. Even though it was Easter weekend. 

As I got ready to start the show for the nine people in attendance, I was a mess. Pissed off and unsatisfied, I carried that negativity to the stage. I wasn't appreciative enough of the few folks who were there to support the show. I could only focus on the empty seats. So not only did I not do well as a producer, I also bombed pretty hard as host. None of us will call that show one for the ages, that's for sure. 

It took me two more days and a lot of talking it out with others to realize that I totally broke my new rule. Expectations locked me into, "I'm only going to be satisfied if THIS happens." Instead, If I was to tweak my approach to get that small crowd on my side and to show them love for coming, everyone could have had a better night. Especially me. 

So yeah. If I'm going to wax poetic on how to make comedy work, I have to keep myself in check about it. 

I'm very lucky to have some people in my corner that will call me out on my bullshit. Because I need that a lot. 

I've got the biggest contest of the year next week. I'm going to bring the best stuff I can. I'm going to focus on having fun. What I'm not going to do is expect to win.

Thanks...

B