Biggest Year of My Life: Part 2 (New Path)

 I write this from the place I'll be sleeping soon. This is because Danielle and I are seperating...

Breaking up, splitting, "conscious uncoupling", whatever you want to call it. The romantic phase of our relationship is over. But doesn't mean we don't love each other, or that we're not going to be in each other's lives forever. 

There's zero hate between us. A little awkwardness maybe sure. But we're still a team. She's ok. I'm ok. The kids know, and are handling it well. The goal here is for us both to be better. Happier. That's the plan.

It's not that simple of course. It's going to take time and struggle for us to get to that better place. There's issues that we haven't even thought about that are going to rear up on us. Feelings we think we're prepared for but probably aren't. 

But we've been moving towards this almost a year. After some heavy setbacks and a lot of careful thought, it's happening. 

And sure, I'm hurting. I didn't think I wanted this. There are moments where I wish it wasn't happening. But it is. And I can feel all of that, but still be hopeful for the future. Sure starting over is tough, but good things are coming. I know they are. Hopefully for both of us. We want to show our children that you can chase happiness. That they can build the life they truly want. 

I get to go find that now. I have a new career with tons of upside that's going to change my life. And now I get to find someone new to share that life with. And they get someone new as well. I'm not the same person I was even a year ago. I'm on way more medication now. 

Our marriage was not a failure. We shared thousands of great moments. And we brought three unique and amazing people into this world. We did that together. We got each other here. But all that growth we did beside each other took us to different places. Now it's time to let go. 

So now I take the lessons that 18 years with someone has taught me into the next chapter. I'm far from perfect. But I'm trying to own my flaws, and keep growing, and maybe even have a little love and forgiveness for myself inspite of them. 

I guess the next step now is to thrive in my new spot (huge thanks to John for letting me take over his place for the summer). And then I gotta put myself out there. Make some messes. Probably get hurt. Maybe cause some back as I figure this out. But the theme of this year is that things can never be as hard as they have been over the last 6 months. All of that struggle prepared me for this. A couple of bad dates are nothing now. Dating apps though. That's still going to suck probably. But that's how this works now. 

So away I go. (by the way, if you've always pined for me from afar, maybe let me know. Don't make me Bumble)

Good vibes everybody. Things get better.

B

Biggest Year of My Life: Part 1 (I have a career now)

Hiya folks. Welcome back. Other than laziness, the main reason I wasn't on here much, was that things weren't really happening. I was stuck in a bit of a rut. There was some noteworthy stuff, but I didn't feel like talking about it. But TONS is happening now. Things I haven't even fully processed yet, but this should help with that. 

The theme of the next few of these that you (hopefully) read, is change. Each post will focus on a different aspect of what's changing for me, but by the end of the summer, pretty much everything in my life will be different. I'll try to go in order of events, so this one is about my worklife. 

Way back in 2002, I had just returned with my tail between my legs from almost 2 years living in Calgary (Alberta, Canada if you're not from around here). I do not at all regret my time there, but I won't pretend I "won" there either. I had just lost my second job in 2 months, and felt like the city had chewed me up and was ready to spit me out. I was too depressed to find other work, so I called up my parents, and had them come help me move home on a very snowy day in February. 

Of course, living unemployed at my parent's house was not going to be a long-term solution, so after licking my wounds for a couple of weeks, I started looking for work. I found it at Costco Wholesale. This was my third attempt at getting in, and this time it paid off. I was in!

2 weeks ago, I got out. 

If your math is good, you know that 20 years has gone by. Yep. Almost half of my life was there. In that time, I've literally seen customer's children grow up in front of me, and have kids of their own. That all happened to me as well, as a couple of years in, I met my future wife, with whom I have 3 present kids. We bought a house, and have 2 dogs and 2 cats. Through all of that the constant was Costco. 

I do appreciate my time there. I grew into the semi-functional adult I am today spending 300 days a year in that store. Most of my time was spent in electronics sales, but I've done about half of the available jobs over the 2 decades. I picked up a lot of soft skills, and worked with so many people. Most of them were great! Which is a pretty good ratio. 

The funny thing is, I always thought that one day, I'd impress someone with my customer service skills so much that they would offer me a better job on the spot. I was not always a model employee in every aspect of my run there, but I knew I was good with the customers and selling them what they were looking for. And I held on to the notion that I'd be noticed for that, and someone would come along and change my life. 

As that's a pretty delusional idea, I wasn't running around talking about it or anything. But it never really went away. But as I neared the 20 year milestone, it had never happened. 

But then it actually DID.

The wildest part of the story is that I wasn't even supposed to be working in that area on that fateful night. I was the Marketer, which in a pandemic meant that I worked the membership and returns desk. I'd been in that job about 2 years. But my old department "majors" didn't have a lot of trained staff, and was always running thin. So I was sent over to cover a lunch break. About a minute in, a well-dressed man walked up and said, "sell me a printer". So I pointed out how Epsons don't use cartridges and a few other things. Just did my thing. 

My "thing" apparently worked, because he told me that he was the Sales Director of Digitex and started asking me about my how I felt about my job and if I'd consider a change. He told me about his company and what a great opportunity it could be for me. Everything sounded great! But I wanted to be transparent with him, so I told him that my side hustle is stand up comedy. I really didn't know how that was going to be received. But he was even more interested! Having to network and essentially run a small business, along with being comfortable speaking in public and embracing awkward situations with confidence were very transferrable skills. One resume and a couple of solid interviews later, and I'm now a Business Development Consultant for Digitex/Xerox!

This was literally the thing I'd always wished for! That's right. I got "Pretty Woman"ed.

This was way back in March. A couple of things delayed the process of switching jobs, but now it's all systems go! I just survived my first week of training, and have had the chance to meet most of the staff from across Western Canada in person. Heading into the commission sales game, I expected a more aggresive and competitive culture. It hasn't been like that at all! Everyone supports each other and wants everyone to succeed. Sure there's targets and expectations, but I feel confident that I'll have the tools and support at my disposal to thrive. The money should be significantly better, and, more importantly, the schedule is office hours with flexibility! That's so valuable to me, with the other changes that are coming. (stay tuned for info on that). I'll have more time with the kids, and more flexibility to be busier with comedy. For now though, comedy will have to take a bit of a back seat, as I really want to focus on making this job, no this CAREER, as successful as I can. 

Leaving Costco was surreal. All that time there had made me comfortable and complacent. 

I'll miss the routine of the store, (even though it wasn't necessarily a healthy one), and my great coworkers, many I'd call friends. But it was time. The best possible time, honestly. I don't think I was ready for this chance two years ago. But now I feel like I can bring my best self to Digitex and my new clients in Red Deer and beyond.

 I'm so excited about this challenge, even though it meant taking a risk. The safety in knowing you can show up every day, make a decent living for your family, and that your spot is secure had me stuck. Sure, I pined for something better that I wasn't out actively chasing. I'll admit that. But what I at least did was put myself in a position to take advantage just in case something presented itself. 

Everything is changing, but for the better. Doing the same thing forever wasn't going to make anything improve. You have to shake things up and bet on yourself. 

Shake Shake baby.

B

Crawling out of the dark cave that was 2020

 *blink blink*

Hello?

Is it safe to come out? 

No?

I'm coming out anyway.

Hey everybody. First things first. Let's get the excuses out of the way. It's been 14 months or so since I updated ol' bloggy. I suck. Can't even totally blame the apocalypse, as 4 months went by before that was a thing. Considering that those 4 months were just shoulder rehab and video games, let's pretend I didn't have much to say. 

In my defence though, anyone reading this blog can just pretend 2020 didn't even happen, right? If you do choose that path, skip this quick recap of what happened to me this year:

-Booked a couple of big shows with the amazing Simon King. One of which became the new home for Longshot Comedy. (I love you Open Range Saloon!) I was able to do a full 30 min opening slot on these shows. 

-Came back to work in a new position of Marketer, right when that position was rendered meaningless. So instead I hang out at the customer service desk. People tell me I'm essential. It is nice to still get paid through all of this, despite the lingering fear of constant exposure to the public. 

-Somehow managed to keep pushing forward in comedy through restrictions, including getting booked to open on 4 city tour! (I might dedicate a future post to getting into detail on this)

-Had all momentum on that front stop twice, the second one still happening. Frustrating, but real, focused time at home with my family has been great. Silver linings.

-Lost a friend indirectly from Covid, and nearly lost 2 more directly from it. This hammered home what's really important right now. Family. It's family you guys. You thought I was going to say comedy didn't you?

So now here I am, pondering the lessons of the most dramatic year ever, and trying to piece together how to handle the next one. There's no clear end in sight to the pandemic though, so I'm not exactly rushing out to buy a day planner. I guess maybe that's the lesson. Nothing can be taken for granted. No amount of passion or planning will matter. I'm not in control. Surrendering to that is tough, but necessary. 

All I can control is where my focus and energy goes. And to not dwell on what's out of my hands. I need to appreciate having a safe, healthy family and being able to pay my bills. That alone is a rare gift these days. And when I do get back on a stage in front of a crowd safely, I want to savor that more too. Bring my best self to the comedy, but like, with balance. Having it go away has forced me to learn that I can't put all my eggs in that basket. I can't expect it to be my therapy and only source of validation and identity. Because when it stops, depression happens. And it did. Does still, but did more before. 

I'm still weak, unstable and inconsistent me, but I'm going to work on improving. A better me will hopefully lead to a better comedian, but more importantly lead to a healthier and more present person. 

To a new and better year, (because the bar is low)

B

Finding Your Lane

Hey folks! 

Quick health update, then I'll get into what I'm here to talk about...

I'm now four weeks removed from my shoulder operation. Things are pretty good, but there are struggles. I'm not really in much pain, but it's not mobile. Like, at all. I've got about 15 degrees I can lift it but that's about it. There's also almost no strength in it. Not being able to do much around the house has been tough. I'm slowly figuring out what I can do and what I can't. Right now I'm typing with my sling off, but even that is dicey. 

I now see why the surgeon was firm in saying that when I'll be able to drop the sling (hopefully next Thursday), I won't yet be ready for work. This arm is far from okay, and clearly won't be for awhile. I'm not back to work until mid-Feb, and it's going to take a lot of rehab to get back on track even by then. 

At least post-sling, I should be able to drive after I strengthen a bit. I'm pumped about getting some independence back. Hopefully, I'll be able to balance the exercises I'll have to commit to with a lot of comedy. 

I'll have minimum six or more weeks before I return to work. That's a gift I'll need to take advantage of. 

Speaking of comedy....After a couple of relatively big shows this week, I've come to an epiphany:

For the last couple of years, I couldn't shake the impression that however I was doing stand up was wrong. That I had to change my style/approach to be more successful. What I realized this morning was that I can't be anything but me up there, for whatever that's worth. 

I would see more performative or energetic comedians and get really jealous. "Why can't I be dynamic like that?"

It would drive me crazy. I just thought I didn't have the tools to stand out against the sea of open mic'ers in Alberta and beyond. That not being that type would hold me back forever. 

Today though, it clicked. 

That's not me. And trying to make it me is only going to come across forced and inauthentic. And in comedy, funny and authentic are almost equally important. I have to stay true to what feels right. On the scale of physical commitment and casual like-ability, I'm nowhere near the top. I'm not high-energy. I'm more dry, subtle, and on a good day, witty, present and smart. Those are my strengths. Pining about what I don't bring to the party won't get me anywhere. For better or worse, all I can be on stage is me. 

Sure, this is an act of resignation, but I don't think it's a negative one. It's also not me saying that I'm fully formed as a comedian now. Not at all. I still want to add way more tools to my belt. To be versatile and able to handle many styles and situations. I still want to write some material that takes me out of my comfort zone and challenges me. But I'm starting to get a handle on what I look and sound like up there. What feels like things I would say, in a way I would/should be saying them. 

I don't know if I've found the elusive "voice" that comedians chase. Hell, I don't even know if the tools that I do have will be enough to succeed at this. But I'd say at least I have a lane now. A tighter handle on the skills I can continue to refine and polish. 

All I can bring to a show is the best version of me. I'm done trying to be a crappy someone else. 

Thanks as always for reading, see you soon.

 B

One-Armed-Wunderbrad

Hey folks! I figured I was way past due on an update on my shoulder situation. For those of you who are new here, a little over a week ago I had an operation for a torn labrum. Trust me spellcheck, it's a real word. 

As I'm typing this with a sling on, I'm going to need you to read this slower to make it more authentic to the creation process. Cool? No. Slower than that. 

Better. 

My new sling is now a very important part of my life. Other than bathing (an activity that I'm not supposed to do solo), and straightening my arm for the required three sets of thirty per day, it's always there. It's been there for 12 days, and it's not going anywhere for the next 35 more. 

So, this has been quite the adjustment...

It isn't really painful, as long as I don't do anything I'm not supposed to do, which is almost everything. More of a general discomfort and annoyance really. The first few days were pretty rough, with the recovery/medication taking a lot out of me. My energy levels were terrible. In some ways that was easier though, as for the last week I've felt closer to normal, but still can't do much. A guy gets twitchy. 

It's not all bad though. My friends and family have been great. Checking up on me and taking me for outings. Which is great because losing the freedom to drive myself anywhere I want to is frustrating. My wife in particular has been amazing in so many ways. She took the first week off to give me whatever I needed, which gave us a ton of time together. We mostly spent that time watching really depressing shows together, which was lovely. 

I also discovered that I can still play video games pain-free, so it won't be hard to fill the hours without her now that she's back to work. The hardest part about that is the guilt about not being able to pitch in around the house. In the morning I wake up the kids, and can slap together sandwiches, but that's about it. I can kind of wash (small) dishes, although I'm probably not even supposed to do that. But I can't help with laundry, sweep the floors or anything like that. It's hard to put all of that on her and not feel like a schmuck. 

I'm also waiting for my disability insurance to kick in. Not having the steady paycheck is stressful. We're staying afloat, but it's hard not to feel like I'm bringing nothing to family right now. Not earning money. Not lightening the workload with all this time at home. It's tough. 

But I'm grasping that this is all an exercise in surrender. I want to heal properly and for all this to work, so that I can get back to being me and doing more. That's going to mean accepting the full recovery process, and staying humble and letting people help me. I get my stitches out tomorrow and consult with the surgeon, so, we're getting there. 

Stay tuned for more, because what else am I going to do?

B

Time to Breathe

Hey folks. Welcome back! I've got updates, news, revelations and more to share. Let's get going! 

As the summer rolled along, I felt like I was too. I had some great sets, wrote a ton of new jokes, was pretty solid at home and work, and started seeing a therapist even! (which I've been talking about for years). Things felt smooth. But a couple of weeks ago, the wheels fell off a bit....

I had been putting a lot of pressure on myself to set an example in the Red Deer comedy scene. Striving for that has led to some positive things, and for sure pushed me to be better, but it's also been stressful. The well of solid new material dried up a bit, and I got really frustrated by a couple of rough shows. My confidence really took a hit. Add to that the news that my comedy hetero-life-partner, Zachary Landry, is stepping out of the scene for awhile to focus on other things, and I got really wound up about having to do even more in his absence.  

My therapy also ended. I was only referred for six sessions. It felt really good to engage with someone to push through the stuff I was juggling. It took us awhile to really dig in, but I realized what I really needed, and really the theme of this past couple of years, was to process how to balance my love and responsibilities for my family with my passion for comedy. I didn't walk out with a true solution, because I don't think there is an easy fix. What I did come to terms with, is that to feel like things are balanced, I have to accept that I'll always be worried that they aren't. If I stop worrying about it, that's when I'm in the most trouble. Overall though, the counselor was very positive about me chasing comedy. He considered how much joy it can bring to others, and to myself, and insisted that it's important. 

The weird thing about having your therapy go surprisingly well, is that you're looking for something to blame for everything. Coming out the other side getting the "green light", means that I guess this is how HEALTHY people feel all the time? I still have stuff that causes me anxiety. Money, comedy, getting in my own way when it comes to happiness and relationships. That stuff lingers. But, I think it lingers for almost everybody. Based on my sessions, it seems like I'm managing these things well enough. It doesn't always feel that way though. 

There's a big situation looming that's causing me to re-frame all of this though. In mid-November, my operation for my torn labrum is finally happening. Six weeks in a sling is going to throw a wrench in the routine. But I think it's a wrench I really need. I may not get on stage that entire six weeks. I won't be working. One hand video games don't work either. So that's going to mean lots of time with the family. Also a ton of Netfilx, and books. I miss books! Recovery will be tough, but I'm really excited about the chance to hit "pause" on everything. Letting all things that I make matter too much fade out and just reconnecting with my family, my friends and especially myself.

My last show in Penhold for the year is this Saturday, then I have maybe three shows left to close out October and other than the local Thursday mic, I'm probably out of the grind for the rest of the year. In three weeks I'll be on the road to Jasper with my wife, celebrating our tenth anniversary in style. I'm way more excited about that, and my time off than any shows at the moment. 

I know comedy will always be a big part of my life, but the biggest takeaway from 2019 is that it isn't my life. I was so desperate for success that anything less felt invalidating. I might finally be past that, and I'm confident that by the time my sling comes off, I fully will be. What I do, and how others feel about what I do isn't who I am. 2020 will be about making who I am better, healthier and more grounded than ever. 

Stop pushing so hard! Take a look around sometimes! BREATHE!

(make sure I'm doing this if you see me, and try it for yourself if you can)

Thanks everyone, 

B

Article Aftermath and More!

So, in June I wrote an article, This article actually, for the Comedy Tribune. The article was first conceived from a place of anger. I had been called out for how distant, busy and distracted I've been from my comedy habit. I was mad about it, so the piece started as me trying to rationalize and justify myself. To explain how this was how I had to do it. Once I realized what I was saying and had the situation laid out literally right in front of my face, my whole perspective changed. 

I was not okay. I was not properly supporting the most important people in my life. I was blind to how obsessed I'd become with chasing my dream, that I didn't realize what I could lose, WAS losing, in the process. My family, friends and personal well-being were all suffering. I had to find some balance.

I'll admit now, that even the article itself wasn't a balanced look at the situation. It barely mentioned anything that wasn't comedy. (And this one won't either.) But that was kind of the point though. That I didn't have my shit together AT ALL. It wasn't me saying that I had changed and that everything was fine now. It was a starting point to making things better. 

So....how's that going, you may be asking?

Better, in short. Not all the way better, but better. 

I had a couple of big shows to wrap up after the article dropped, then I planned on slowing down. Not quite stopping, but taking my foot off the gas. I think that really helped make those last couple of sets much stronger, because I did have  a "treat every set like it could be your last" mentality going in. I knew the break was coming, and was excited about it. 

After I got through those, I had almost two weeks without any stage time, then only did about a show a week for the next two. It felt good to unplug. I didn't write. I didn't go to shows. I just checked out, and tried to reconnect with my family and friends. 

I didn't get upset about the shows that I could be on and wasn't. I enjoyed not having that take up space in my head. Oddly though, I did get upset about HOW unconcerned I was about not hustling. I surprised myself with that. Doubts about how badly I wanted to succeed lingered. But for the most part, I was at peace with it. 

I also put a lot of thought into what exactly I want from this, in what time-frame, and what I'm willing to do to achieve it. That led me to consider that I've probably graduated from complete rookie to pseudo-competent amateur, which is nice, but there's easily fifty or more comics in this province floating around at the same position as me. Separating from the pack could take years if it happens at all. So that means I have to adjust my expectations. 

I have, to a degree, proven myself to the bigger comedy scene as a guy who can deliver an adequate set in general. That means that I don't need to head to other cities as often to stay visible anymore. In fact I'd rather go less often, with more growth to showcase, than to be around all the time blending in with the rest of the big-city talent. There's also more local stage time than ever, so I won't need to chase time elsewhere to keep improving. 

I've also learned that there's no one magical show that will change my career path forever in either direction. Every set is just another inch forward. That's a good place to be, because I don't have as much jealousy about someone else's opportunities. As much fear of missing a "big show". Things will happen (maybe) when they are supposed to. It's okay to say "no". I turned down a Calgary contest mainly because win or (probably) lose, it wasn't going to be a big enough deal to burn the gas money and the time. I'm trying to be more calculating than ever about where my time and money should go. I don't need to do it all. 

Now I check these questions before saying yes to a gig. 

How much will I learn?

Who's there that I can network with?

How much will it cost me in money or time? Does it pay?

How much fun will it be?

If the answers aren't good enough, it's a no. That's the way it has to be now. I love spending time with my wife. I don't want to miss my children growing up. I don't want to ignore my friendships. Those things matter, and need to be a priority. 

Of course, I'm typing this as I prepare for one of four shows I'm on this week. So I'm still saying yes a lot. Things will still be hard to juggle. I don't think perfect balance is even possible. But I'm being mindful now. And that's helping.

Thanks for reading,

B

New Rules?

Hey folks! Before I recap my very eventful last couple of months in comedy, I figure I should drop a quick health update after the diabetes diagnosis. 

Well...things are okay I think. I've cut sugar by probably two thirds, and carbs by maybe half. Through that I've lost about 10 pounds. So, progress! I haven't had an easy time navigating whatever is next though. I haven't had a follow up with the doctor I was consulting with. He's not taking new patients these days, so I've kind of been floating around with not much support. I've decided to call HealthLink about how one finds a good doctor who can be available for me going forward. Now that I'm in my forties, newly diabetic with an impending shoulder operation, it would be nice to get a solid home base for my medical needs. I coasted for two decades doing the clinic thing. Not for me anymore though. I need to make bigger changes, and I'm not on top of this on my own. So, yeah. I'm doing okay, but just okay. Stay tuned for more info later.

When I'm not stressed out about my health, my favourite past time is stressing about my comedy career, so let's get into that!

Reeeeaaally late last Friday, as three of us were driving back to Red Deer from Lethbridge (my first "comedy sleepover"), I was feeling soap-boxy, so I was ranting about my "rules of stand up". Not that I have much business telling anyone how to do this "right", but despite that, I have found a few things valuable. 

1. Be funny.

2. Be nice. 

Those were my first two. Not exactly ground-breaking, but so important. If you deliver onstage on average, and are easy to deal with offstage, you will get ahead at some point. As I returned from my fourth show in two different cities over two days, I was telling my captive car audience about my new third rule.

3. Ask for what you want, but expect nothing. 

This new one had caused some big growth over the last few months for me, and really impacted this week in particular. Wednesday we were in Edmonton for two shows. One was a showcase in the biggest comedy club in the city, then Zachary Landry and I had a contest in a comedy theatre right after. We first discovered that weekday shows at The Comic Strip aren't the hottest ticket sometimes, as we were facing a crowd of maybe twenty people, and they were not going to be easy laughers. Some of the Edmonton comics got really tight facing such a tough situation, but for Zachary and I, (especially him), we have seen some really rough rooms in Red Deer, and we didn't come into this show expecting to kill. So we just had fun with it. Same thing with the contest after. Neither of us thought we had a win locked down, but we had a blast in front of a really fun crowd. Many of the other comics in attendance were really complimentary after, and having them on our side is way more important than a single contest win. We kept our expectations low and focused on doing our best and having fun. 

That mindset carried over to Lethbridge, where the two of us were joined by Niek Theelen for the trip. We roll in Thursday night to find the club owner double-booked, so we ended up running the open mic. Everyone had a blast. The next night was the roast battle, and again, we all tried to not worry about winning as much as giving the situation all that we had and keeping it fun. That led to Zachary and I shirtlessly roasting each other as the host joined in and people threw change. We didn't win, but that was one of the biggest moments of the show. I also had to do a regular set as people were taking intermission, and once again, if I expected that to go great, I wasn't going to be happy. Instead, I just took the moment for what it was and bared down. 

So I was feeling pretty good about my new rule heading into the next show I produce in Penhold on the Saturday. The last show out there was so fun, and I "expected" (uh huh) that this show would finally pull a big crowd and actually be financially successful. Even though it was Easter weekend. 

As I got ready to start the show for the nine people in attendance, I was a mess. Pissed off and unsatisfied, I carried that negativity to the stage. I wasn't appreciative enough of the few folks who were there to support the show. I could only focus on the empty seats. So not only did I not do well as a producer, I also bombed pretty hard as host. None of us will call that show one for the ages, that's for sure. 

It took me two more days and a lot of talking it out with others to realize that I totally broke my new rule. Expectations locked me into, "I'm only going to be satisfied if THIS happens." Instead, If I was to tweak my approach to get that small crowd on my side and to show them love for coming, everyone could have had a better night. Especially me. 

So yeah. If I'm going to wax poetic on how to make comedy work, I have to keep myself in check about it. 

I'm very lucky to have some people in my corner that will call me out on my bullshit. Because I need that a lot. 

I've got the biggest contest of the year next week. I'm going to bring the best stuff I can. I'm going to focus on having fun. What I'm not going to do is expect to win.

Thanks...

B

A Health Wrinkle

So, I went in to get a referral on my shoulder issues, and that meant running some tests. Most of the tests came back great, except my blood test came back with an issue.

I have diabetes.

Feels weird to type. Feels weird to say. I'm not used to it yet. 

Don't get me wrong. I knew something was coming. I eat mostly garbage and am probably 20 (Okay 40) pounds overweight. But I always thought the heart attack was going to be what got me. My dad's had 2. Both grandfathers had them. But nope. You know how some people have ice in their veins? Apparently I have Slurpee. 

I make jokes, because that's what I do, but this sucks. I'm scared. I'm angry. There's a ton I don't know yet. (My meeting with the diabetes nurse is pending.) At this point, the doctor said I don't need to monitor levels yet or need medication, so that's good. But I have to stop eating all the things I eat. All of 'em. Hot dogs, burgers, nachos, beer, and Pepsi. All gone. Just like pasta, pretty much all bread, donuts, sugar in my coffee, white rice. Oh, and my wife is the best baker I know. Sigh...

So...yeah. I'm pretty much in mourning for the old me right now. It's okay if you don't have a lot of pity. I know this is not the sexiest or most dramatic of conditions. It's the "take better care of yourself fatty" of diseases. I have to be a healthy person now. This had made me feel pretty vulnerable and fragile, but I have a concrete reason to work harder. There's stakes now. Getting healthy was always a vague "it would be nice to look and feel better" thing, but now it's a "I like my feet and being able to see" thing. I don't want this to get me. I want to be here for my family, and not just here, but functional. The doctor was very clear that diet and exercise can eliminate all symptoms of diabetes. So that's where we're at. I have to educate myself, make changes, and be disciplined. Those things haven't been my jam in the past, but I will put in the work. 

Thanks for putting up with my pity party. Carry on. 

B

New Year Check In

So...New Years, huh? People tend to use this time to reflect on what last year was, and what next year could be. The combination of holiday craziness and my general laziness is causing this to happen a couple of weeks into the year. 

Hey this is free. Sorry not sorry....

Seriously though, 2018 was quite a year I must say. Every month, I dug in a little harder on stand-up comedy. Which resulted in the following things:

-I started producing my own comedy shows in January. By the end of the year, I'd delivered 8 shows to 3 different venues, with average crowds of around 60. 

-I competed in 4 different contests. 2 in Edmonton and 2 in Calgary. 

-I tripled the amount of sets I've done in a year, and more than doubled my total amount. 

-I tried roast battles and found I don't suck at them.

-I led an intro to stand-up workshop. 

-To start the year, my longest set was a shaky 15 minutes. By year's end, I had done a couple of decent 30 minute sets. 

-I closed out two shows, one in Calgary, and dipped my toe in the corporate event waters. 

-I was nominated for Comedian of the Year at the Red Deer Entertainment Awards. 

Not bad huh?

I'll admit, I was pretty proud of these things. There was even some cockiness creeping in, until I kept the following in mind:

-I didn't advance past the first round in any of those contests. 

-I was almost never the best performer on any show I was on. 

-I only sold out 2 of the shows I produced. 

-I often felt I wasn't focused enough. 

-My 30 minutes isn't that tight yet. 

-While I don't suck at roasts, I'm not a true killer on them yet. 

So....good things happened, progress was made, but realistically, all I've really done is become a solid piece of the tiny Red Deer comedy scene and am managing (usually) to not make a show I'm on worse. That's not nothing, but I've only really advanced from rookie to novice. I made strides, but I'm still just an open-mic amateur in a small city. There's pros and cons to that. I'm under the radar, so I can develop with less pressure, but that also means as I do improve, it's hard to gain traction and attention. 

Looking back on the year was easy, but looking ahead has been trickier. I don't expect to see the same amount of growth as I had before. I think that will slow down. I still have a ton to learn as a writer and performer, but I think the lessons will be smaller and less frequent. You're bound to see change the first year you commit harder to any pursuit, but that level of change is rarely sustainable. 

I've also found, as I adjusted my priorities last year, how much I had been missing at home. It took a few weeks/months, but I'm more settled just being at home with my wife and kids more. Being present with them has been so great! So I want to move forward with care. Sure, running as hard as possible with no regard for anything else in my life could accelerate my career. COULD. But, nothing is promised to me. All my passion and effort could lead to staying right around where I am, so I'd rather try to keep a little balance in my life and not force things. Sure, I may miss out on certain opportunities. I actually turned down a contest spot last week for a family event. But that's fine. I don't want to gamble with the important people in my life for something that may never come. 

"Success" is pretty ethereal in comedy. I know a few comics who have "made it" by most people's measure, but they are still hustling to fill the calendar and usually perform for people who have no clue who they are. It's never going to be easy, and may never be profitable. So I'm trying to relax about goals and milestones. I told my comedy workshop that if you can walk off the stage having had fun, while taking something away that'll make you better, and made the crowd happy, you're a successful comedian. I need to practice the preaching. 

That being said, it's not a bad idea to set some targets. After all, a 30 minute set wasn't on the horizon until I made it a goal. There are things I want to strive for. I want to keep improving of course, but I want to increase my visibility. Especially in the clubs. If I want to take any steps toward going pro, "passing" the clubs is a key part of that. I have to get Calgary and Edmonton to notice where I'm at. I also want to make the finals in at least one contest this year. Comedy contests are very subjective, but if you aren't clearly good enough to advance past the first round, then you need to work. Lastly, I really want to open for a headliner on the road. I want to see what that's like, and to see how I handle it. If I struggle or it causes too much stress for my homelife, I want to know, so I can adjust to that. 

Overall, I just want to stay active, stay joyful, and be "around" for when opportunity knocks. 

Bring it on, 2019!

B

The Magic of Trying

I'm incredibly inspired right now. I just got off the stage I shared with my improv troupe, Bull Skit. But I wasn't back to do improv. Not the way I used to anyway. 

This time I was there to do a set of stand up, alongside Zachary Landry, and then we let the crowd pick our topics. Fully improvised stand up comedy. Even my fellow improvisers, people who make up amazing things every week, were terrified for us. I'm not going to pretend that either of us delivered pure gold, but that wasn't really the goal. It was more, "Can we even pull this off at all?"

And yes. We did that!

How it was going to go was secondary to doing it at all. 

Tonight was just one of many nights that drove the same lesson home. I dug into the backlog of this blog and found this:

Reckless Enthusiasm > Judgement 

Two years ago, that was me trying to push past my own fears and need for perfection. The last few weeks have been me on the other side of that and moving further away from those issues every day. 

I had the chance to teach an intro to stand up workshop, because while I'm no pro, I can definitely pass on what I've learned on my journey so far. The one lesson that I tried to pass on that hit me hardest was:

"Don't overestimate the stakes of any situation. No matter how great or terrible you think a set went, when you wake up tomorrow, you'll be the only person who was in that room who's still thinking about it. Even if it was extra memorable in either direction, That statement still runs true the day or week after. People are too self-involved to reflect on what you did that one night."

I'm a struggling, unknown, amateur comedian. People still notice me more for my day job then anything comedy related. And there's SO. MUCH. FREEDOM IN THAT! I don't have to play it safe. I don't have a career to ruin. If I stink up an open mic, there's another one coming the week after. I can screw up. Get weird. Take risks. Say yes to every challenge. 

And no matter how any of that goes, everything is going to be fine. Better than fine, because I'm not worried about the result. I don't have to be. I just have to do the thing, and learn from the thing. That's it! 

-Six months ago, I looked at roast battles and said to myself, "I'm not that kind of comedian". That was fear of failure talking. Now I've done three that went passably well, and I'm gearing up for my next one. And at one of those battles, a veteran comic gave me some kind words and told me "when you've got thirty minutes ready, let me know and you can head on the road with me." At the time, that felt like a really high hurdle to jump. A month ago, I did my first twenty minute set, and my first thirty is four weeks away. I just decided to try. 

-A year ago, running my own show seemed like a dream. Six shows later, I'm a comedy promoter.

-Even then, I was baby-stepping my way into it, then Simon King called looking to partner up on some dates in the area for early December. The rub was I had to cold-call a handful of venues to try to book the shows. That was scary, but yesterday I booked a show that could make me hundreds of dollars. 

-There are guys in my scene that two years ago were way ahead of me. Then I shifted focus and committed to getting at it. I just hit one hundred sets this month. Three months ago I was barely over seventy. A year prior less than half of that. Now, I feel I'm passing those guys. Not because I'm funnier than them. I'm just doing more. Pushing myself. Just plain trying. 

Which leads me to tonight, where I decided to face forty people, and have them shout things like "Addiction treatment!" "Jello Shots!" and "Russian Hackers!" at me, and had to try to deliver comedy on the spot about them. Was it scary? Kind of, yeah. Did I kill? Not hardly. But did I prove to myself that it's something I can do? Yep. 

Most of the things above didn't execute to perfection. None of them really. But if I hadn't tried them, I'd be back where I already was. And failing any of those things wouldn't have put me back any further than that. I lost nothing by trying. NOTHING! I didn't let doubt or anxiety slow me down. I didn't let others talk me out of them. 

By traditional standards, I'm nowhere near "success". I'm not making money at this. No one knows me yet. My material and stage presence have a long way to go. But I'm pushing and challenging myself, and taking something away from every swing and miss. That feels like a win. Or at least puts me a position to win when the time comes. 

Keep trying everybody,

B

Bombing, Dark Stuff, and What I Learned From Them.

After performing at a couple of roast battles, I had a shift in how I came up with material. Having to write mean, dirty, and dark jokes about people started bleeding into the my other writing. Out of nowhere one afternoon I wrote a very dark new bit about child kidnapping that moved through pedophilia, murder and prostitution. It was difficult stuff for sure. Way out of my usual voice, and more serious and challenging for a crowd to get into. I wanted to stretch my creativity with stuff like this. I respect the Stanhopes, Burrs, and Simon Kings of the world that can nail difficult premises and get people laughing about subjects they want nothing to do with. I wanted to know if I could pull that off just like them. 

Turns out not so much...

 That night I was at an open mic and gave the crowd the choice to hear the new bit. They regretted saying yes, as I took them to some heavy places. Some of the crowd did laugh, but I ended up walking a table of ladies at the end of my set. "Walking a Table" means you caused people to leave by being bad or hard to take onstage. That had never happened to me before. And fairly, in that coffee shop, in the daylight, with no one drinking, that material was really hard to hear. 

I completely understood that, and knew that I could try the stuff again on a "Dark and Dirty Show" that was coming up a couple of months later. That show was last week. I wanted to know how this stuff would fly in a place that is better suited to hear it. 

Flying did not happen. I could feel the crowd tightening as I got into it. I knew I had to keep confident and push ahead. Letting them rattle you out of a bit is always doom. As I hit the darkest part of the bit, they got me. I stepped out of it and yelled at them. "This is a dark and dirty show! You came for this!" I did this at the expense of the part of the joke where I try to spin them out of it to get the laugh. By the end of it, two tables had walked, and complained about me on the way out. The crowd completely hated me, and were seconds away from outright booing me. I've never seen anyone get booed at these shows. Even when I first started, I never bombed like that. The stink of the shame hung on me the rest of the night. People I'd normally chat up on the way out wouldn't come near me. Even the staff looked at me different. 

After I had a couple of days to process everything I felt after, here's what I came away with:

-When doing material like this, the first step is to get them on their heels and make them uncomfortable. You want to build a tangible sense of tension. I had that down for sure. The problem is, step two is to pop that tension balloon in a way that gets them laughing, usually extra hard to release that nervous energy. I couldn't nail that part. 

-So why couldn't I? The shortest answer is I'm just not good enough yet. My writing isn't strong enough to have the bit precisely built to manipulate the tension. My delivery of the material wasn't good enough to have them on my side, and my level of stage confidence and poise is too low to handle that hostility and pivot into a laugh when it wasn't going well. All of those things. 

-Stand Up is the ability to relay your ideas to an audience in a way that they understand and find funny. I didn't execute that for those reasons above. I'd never blame the crowd for reacting the way they did, because I didn't do my job. The more challenging the concept you're trying to deliver, the better you have to be at those skills. 

-The other main thing I realized is that I need to be liked up there. I NEED it. When they didn't come on that messed up road I was trying to drag them down, and they turned on me, I couldn't handle it. Some comics live in that place, and love it. I was so uncomfortable. I need to assess going forward if I need to get more comfortable with being unlikable, or cater my material to stay in my happy place. 

The next question is, what's next for that material and do I regret doing it?

No. Not at all.

The only way to determine if you can do something is to take a swing at it. I struck out bad, but at least I know now. The lessons I took away were worth how gross it all felt at the time. 

However, now that I have that info, I don't need to go back to the well anytime soon. Yes, I could keep chipping away at that bit. Refining it until it hits. But how many more terrible shows would I have to get there? How many tables would I walk trying to get that joke right, and how many showrunners would want to keep letting me try at the expense of their show? It's not worth that. None of my material is worth that. If I keep progressing as a comic in general, at some point in the future I can go back to this bit, blow the dust off and be able to adjust it with more experience. I can get it to where it needs to be much faster, and with less traumatized crowds on the way there. 

So for now, it's going on the shelf until I have the chops to do it right. 

Thanks for reading as always

B

Anatomy of a Brad Joke

So far, diving into stand-up has been great. I've been putting in lots of sets, and writing steady. I've actually had a couple of friends ask me recently about how the jokes come out. It's not always the same way every time, and I have no idea how professionals do it, but I CAN tell you how the joke I wrote yesterday came along. I can't promise it's good, or even close to being finished, but it's fresh, and I want to talk about it. Here we go. 

DISCLAIMER

I am a huge comedy nerd, and if you aren't, this may suck for you. Sorry. 

I was at work yesterday (electronics retail sales), and in a slow moment, I looked around and realized that most of what I sell is pretty frivolous. Which led me to think about the process of selling stuff to people that they may think they need, but probably don't. So that got me to the PREMISE. 

The next step is the SETUP. An effective setup should, well, set the table for where you're about to take the crowd. (Or about to completely subvert that expectation, but that's not what I'm going for here). 

"I like my job, but it's weird selling people stuff they don't need." 

This is a pretty traditional type of joke, so I'm heading straight to the PUNCHLINE. For this punchline, I tried to make an analogy that related what talking semi-useful tech stuff to customers is like.

"Selling iPads to old people makes me feel like a missionary in the Amazon trying to sell Jesus to a pygmy."

Now, this punch isn't that strong. It's OK, but the comparison I'm trying to make may not be that clear yet. It needs something at the end to drive it home. This is usually called a TAG. In this case, I'm going to use a type of tag that's really popular, but one I don't tend to use, called an ACT OUT. I'm pretending that I'm either at my job, or the missionary using the same sales pitch. 

"I know. You've been getting by just fine your whole life without this, but I really think this is going to give your life some meaning. Besides, your friends and family already have it, and you don't want to feel left out do you?"

That's a joke! I have no idea if it's going to work, because I haven't told it yet. But it was fun trying to wrestle that general idea into something that's hopefully funny. To get 30 plus minutes of solid material, (which is my current goal) I'm going to have to write 3 to 4 times that much and whittle it all down to something tight, consistent and hilarious. This joke may end up in that set as is, or change completely on it's way in, or be told a couple of times and dropped. I have no idea what will happen yet, but I'm excited to find out, and to keep pumping out 1000 more of these. 

Thanks for still being awake and reading this. I appreciate you for digging the craft of this enough to check this out. 

Cheers,

B

Saying Bye to Bull Skit

   So, the problem with having a neglected blog, is that when you do get back to it, you have some catching up to do. 

In the last two months, I've become a veteran of two roast battles, (both of which I did quite well on), held my own at Comedy Monday Night, (a highly respected Calgary open mic),  and decided to quit my improv/sketch troupe Bull Skit Comedy. 

*record scratch*

What?

I know. For those of you who have been reading this regularly, Bull Skit was a huge part of my life. and that's actually the problem. It was becoming too huge. This past season, I was a "casual" player. That should have meant that I was not around as much. I still wanted to be a big part of what we were doing though, so I was almost as busy as any other season. The problem was that I couldn't put stand up on the back burner any longer. I wanted to chase that as well. This caused me to be stretched thin and my family suffered for it. Some months I was away almost half of the time. It was too much. 

So my plan for this season was to take the "casual" role to heart and to be less available to the company. The company wanted to go the other direction though. No more casual players, just a smaller, more focused crew. Which is great, but not a fit for me anymore. 

My loving wife supported me with some trepidation when I joined. She feared how much I'd be gone. I tried to pacify her, but four years later, I can't say she was wrong. Anywhere from 8 to 12 days each month were Bull Skit nights. Rehearsals, workshops, performances. It added up. Friends and family take a step back as you either don't have the time or the energy to maintain those relationships properly. Of course, as stand up pulled me in, things got even worse. This last year, things came to a head. I was doing 2-4 stand up sets a month, and was involved in over half of Bull Skits programming. I was barely home, and things were getting harder to juggle. I wasn't there for my wife and kids, and I wasn't developing in stand up as quickly as I could, nor was Bull Skit getting my full attention anymore. 

So I had to make a choice. 

Bull Skit has been a great experience. Working with them has changed who I am and taught me I'm capable of so much more than I ever thought. The people are all awesome from the director to the volunteers. I appreciate everything, but I'm excited about the next chapter. 

I've already had a good summer with the fam. I hit a point where I was so used to being away that being home was uncomfortable. That is going away. Turns out we like hanging out with each other!

The next chapter also involves a ton of stand up. The room I book in Penhold fires back up in September, and I'm going to be much more active in Alberta's scene. Edmonton and Calgary are just over an hour away, so it's easy to hit either town to increase my visibility in important rooms. I also have hopes for what the Red Deer area scene can become, and I want to do my part in building that. I'm not too goal-oriented right now, I mainly just want to get better, braver, have more visibility and enjoy the process.

And even with my big plans, I should still be about half as busy as I was. Which sounds amazing.

Here's to the next thing,

B

Daddy Day & Big Time Shows

This past weekend was a massive one for me, personally and "professionally". Spoilers: This is going to be a long one.

Sunday was Father's Day, and I was able to decompress from a big few weeks and really connect with my three kids. I have realized that I tend to be guilty of tunnel vision when it comes to my comedy. Anything that isn't that thing tends to get shoved aside a little. It's something I'm working on, but at least for on Sunday, I was able to put the previous night in the rear view and let nothing steal my energy and attention from my family. I had to work, but after, we had some burgers and went to a movie. After the show, I made an effort to have a few private moments with each kid, making sure they know how much I love them and how proud I am of them every day, even if I'm not always the most present dad. Even writing this now, I'm getting a little misty. They are so great.

Bear is fourteen now, and is so fearlessly independent. I've never seen so much sense of self in someone that age. He's a bit moody and distant sometimes, but, fourteen. That'll happen. The fact that he is willing to spend any time with the family at all is wonderful.

Bug is eleven now. She's had some social issues in school this year, but middle school has never been easy. She's so thoughtful and really wants everyone to be ok. Hugs from Bugs are the best hugs.

Mr. C just turned eight. I'll admit, he just hasn't gotten as much hands-on attention as the older two received at the same age. It shows a bit, as he's had focus issues and isn't doing as well at school. I know I need to buckle down and spend more time reading with him, and limiting his screen time. He's so charming, kind and sensitive, and I want to work harder to help him become the best person he can be.

They are so great in fact, that I've often told myself that they are fine if I'm too busy or distracted to give them much of my full attention. And along those lines, part of why they are such great kids is that for the first half of their lives, I gave them so much more. I want to get back to that with them. My family is my main source of my comedy, because they really are my world. The best reward for my awesome Saturday night was some great moments with my crew.

Why was my Saturday so awesome? Mostly because I did a show that leveled up my comedy "career" in almost every possible way.

One of Canada's best comedians, Simon King messaged me out of the blue about putting a show together at The Penholder Tavern. I had never met him, but had tons of respect for both his smart and intense comedy, and his tremendous resume.

To this point, all the shows I've produced have been free with donation. But because Simon was travelling in from Vancouver, and was looking to do over an hour, something this special had to be a ticketed event. I had been looking to try a ticketed show anyway, so getting to attempt it with someone like Simon was a no-brainer. He also asked if I'd like to open for him, despite probably having little info about how I am as a comic. He said I could do twenty five minutes, which freaked me out. I fought the urge to say "why?" and went with "definitely!"

I've only done more than ten minutes a couple of times, and have done so many five and seven minute spots that anything close to that length was terrifying. So I brought in my comedy hetero-life partner Zachary Landry to host and to take some of that time off of my shaky hands.

So now I'm heading into a show with some high stakes. Biggest name I've ever worked with. Longest set I've attempted. Promoting a show that's not free. I knew if things didn't pan out it wouldn't be the end of anything, just another lesson, but I really wanted to pull this off. I knew that no matter how my set went, that Simon would have the crowd leaving happy. I just had to get the crowd in the room in the first place. I wanted to make Simon happy that he took the chance to reach out to me.

Sales started slow, but we sold the place out. I was scrambling last minute to add tables and chairs for everyone, and we were standing room only for the last six walk ups.

So that part went great. Now it was show time. On all of my shows in Penhold, I spend so much mental energy making sure the show isn't a disaster that I barely get to worry about what I'm going to do up there. This time, that was liberating! One of the biggest flaws I've had as a comedian is that I would just plow through my material like a joke robot.

"these are my jokes. please enjoy my humour..."

But this time I kept things loose, I stayed in the moment and let the crowd dictate where my set went. I ended up doing almost twenty minutes, and at least two-thirds of it was decent. It was almost a bit too loose and sloppy for a "pro middle" set, but the most important thing is that I had a blast, and the crowd seemed to as well. I know that not every room will be as forgiving as my "home club", but I gained a lot of confidence that I can handle more time and am ready to keep doing those longer sets.

Of course, as predicted, Simon King blew the roof off and everyone's minds. He went almost ninety minutes, which if you've seen him, means he told over three hours of jokes. I knew he was a great comedian, but it was also great just to meet him and to spend time with the guy. He was gracious and easy to work with every step of the way. He also treated Zachary and myself like peers, even though the two of us would never put ourselves in the same sphere as Simon. We all had a couple of chances to share a drink and talk shop, (with a surprise appearance by Andrew Albert, who I am also looking forward to working with) and those moments were as educational and rewarding as the show itself was.

Simon was very complimentary about the whole thing, and wants to do more together, which I'm excited about. Everything was a massive win, and has me so motivated to keep grinding. The work I've put in to build the Penholder room has been totally worth it. The people I've met and the things I've learned are only fueling the fire to do more. My biggest challenge now is not to get too ahead of myself. Things won't blow up overnight. I know that, so I'm just going to keep my head down and keep learning. I'm just enjoying the ride so far.

Keeping with the Father's Day theme, the best side-effect about the whole Penhold experience has been how it's changed my relationship with my dad. He put the feelers out to the bar owner in the first place to get things rolling. He had never seen me do stand up at that point. Just blind faith in his boy. Fast forward six months and five shows, and he's had as much fun in that room as anyone else. He's meeting my friends and fellow comics, and telling anyone in the bar who'll listen how proud he is. He and I weren't in a great place when I was younger, but I know now that at least some of that was him seeing me looking lost, trying to find me jobs, only to have me struggle and get fired time and time again. He just wanted me to find my thing.

I think I finally have, and having him be part of that makes it even better.

I love you dad. Happy Father's Day.

B